Originally Posted by
fivefingercrawl 
I am in the process of getting sober (aren't we all). I have quit off and on for several years. I had two weeks recently and relapsed. It is what happened when I relapsed that I need help in understanding. I got drunk. Drunk to the point where I remember very little of what happened the next day. For those of you that know what I mean, I blacked out. I was on 'autopilot'. I crossed the line when alcohol alters the concious mind to the unconcious. I don't understand alcoholism and the human mind enough to know what takes over when you cross that line. But I know that I have crossed it one to many times.
What happened when I crossed that line recently is that I said some things to my girlfriend, the woman I love more than anyone else I've ever met. I said things that were deliberately mean and cruel. Things that I could NEVER say in my 'normal', sober state of mind. Obviously as an alcoholic this is not the first time I have been in this state. Where I have done things that I didn't mean and that ashamed and embarassed me. But because my relationship with my girlfriend is at stake, and she has been damaged beyond what I could ever have imagined; I must ask this question.
I ask of you, to be blatantly honest when you respond to this post; this question. When you drink to the point when you blackout. When you can't remember a conversation that happened the night before. Are the things you say what you deep down really mean? Is it your subconcious coming out of It's shell? It's commonly known that alcohol lowers your inhibitions. And often people say or do things that they normally would not do if not intoxicated. I have tried to tell my girlfriend that what came out of me that night was not 'me'. What is the force that takes over at that time I do not know. I hope that it is not the real 'me' that could do those things, and I live in shadow of what I have done.
But I do not want to rely on excuses to explain what I did. I truly want to know what takes over when you are in that state. Is it what you really want to say? Is it your true feelings and emotions coming out? My girlfriend is convinced that that is the case. I have been trying to explain to her that it is not the real 'me' that would do those things. So what I want to know is honestly what do you think?
I want to know from people that have had or are having the same problems or experiences that I am. If what I said was what I truly wanted to say and couldn't say while sober I want to know. But if what I said was not about hurting her but me crying out in pain then I want her to know that as well. Regardless of the answer I hurt her, the woman I love. But what does depend on the answer is whether I MEANT to hurt her. Or that what I did was a desperate outburst. One that I will regret for the rest of my life. I need to know and I want the honest truth from everone here on this board.
Brad
these outbursts could be what you really feel or you may say them because of insecurity and a need for attention.
i have done the same thing and when i examined myself and why i said these things when i was out of my head drunk i had to admit to myself that sometimes i meant the things i said..they were in my subconcious . Other times i came to the conclusion that the things i said i didnt mean but i said them for attention and because of my own insecurities.
i don't think it's as black and white whether or not you meant the things you said. The alcohol can push you to such irrationality that at the time you are saying them you may think it's a perfectly normal thing to say.
i found that if i said "thats not me" it made it easier for me to just brush off the incident as not part of who i am. But the people that see you in that state to them that's part of who you are. Whether we like it or not we are who people say we are as far as our social identity. We don't get to cherry pick our good moments and then say to people that this is who we are. We are our collective behaviors and the extreme behavior tends to have more stickiness than any other behavior.
i think the first step is to admit that these episodes were you and that they were you and alcohol together and that you and alcohol don't mix. Once you can admit that and start to live it i think you'll find some of the people you may have hurt will start to accept who you are trying to be.