Another big step for me. I went to my Dr. today. I brought the paperwork from the treatment center that documented I left against staff advice.
Even though I feel horrible shame and guilt, I told the Dr. that I was a chronic alcoholic. I explained what went on this last time in
detox for me and how scared I was going through it. I also explained that I was sick of hiding my alcoholism. That even though it might not be in my best interest employment wise, I was sick of avoiding exactly what I am.
My Dr was kind and understanding. He ran several tests. The most important needs that showed up were low thyroid and high blood pressure.
We discussed the fact that I could have used detox med's to help me last week, but the worst was over. He believes that is why my blood pressure remained high.
The Dr recommended a benzo to help me get through the panic attacks. God where did this come from? I told him "NO". We discussed alternatives. Goodness sakes, I feel like a grown up today!
I explained that the detox facility kept telling me over and over that I was seeking Narcotics. I was in denial. You know, maybe I was. The options to pay for continuing treatment was at my son's expense. As I have shared before, I couldn't do it.
I also realized that inpatient treatment would be such a safe haven to me. It would offer a double edge sword. It would come at the expense of people (my ex and my son) that I have used and abused to get my way in the past.
I guess the bottom line is I walked away from the Dr. appointment proud of myself. For once in a long, long time. I don't have a script for narcotics, nor even benzo's. I did stick around and fill two perscriptions that will not get me high, but help my thyroid and my blood pressure.
I called my work with honesty and told the total truth for a big change in me.
I don't have a lot of support. It is nobody's fault but my own. I don't know how to let other people closer, without going into self destructive mode.