Hi Dolce-
I really enjoyed hearing you speak whats on your heart, frustrations and all. I can completely relate to what you said and how you feel.
The truth is you are human and you have alot of different emotions and needs, and they are ever changing.
I applaud you for talking about your needs and your desire to have them met. It is hard to find that connection you are seeking, but I believe it is out there for you. I am glad to hear you have your brother, that must be nice for you.
One thing I have always loved about AA, and all related groups, is the model they base things off of. I think in so many ways it is far better/healthier way of loving than any church I have ever been to. The whole idea of getting together and talking about loss, hurt, areas where we struggle, anger, regret, fear, bitterness, healing, ways we have been harmed, ways we have been harmful, etc. is such a great thing to aspire to do. I hear you and your desire to be known and loved and supported. I think you will find that if you keep looking. Sorry you have not YET.
I also understand TOTALLY about the therapy thing! I found numerous therapists like that. I had to keep searching to find the right one for me, and it was discouraging and exhausting at times. I was also very frustrated! Even when I developed the ability to tell a therapist EXACTLY what I needed I was met with resistance. Alot of the world just wants everything to "get better" .The thing is feeling loss, grieving, and making room for all of who you are is whats going to help you get better. For me, I did not want mantra's, behavioral changes, a "plan" on how to feel better. I really wanted to not just feel better, but be better, and understand who I was, validate what I had been through, grieve over mistreatment, and celebrate over my desire for more. You deserve people to love all of you, not just the optimistic parts of you. I have let go of alot of people in my life that only valued the "happy me", I know have a smaller(but growing) group of people that love ALL of me, and it is a great safe, and wonderful feeling. I share in their pain, and they share in mine. I don't have to be fake, or pretend, or put out false energy, or talk about bs! Life is not perfect don't get me wrong. Facing your pain is soo hard, it's why most people never do and opt for a life of pretense.
You sound like you have an amazing,wonderful will about you and a love of truth(no matter the cost). I sincerely hope you keep seeking and wholeheartedly believe you will find what you need. I don't think you are going to settle for less! GOOD FOR YOU!
Much love-
Fluer