hi lucybooz
when i asked a friend how it was killing me not to understand why my ex boyfriend preferred drinking over losing me and what we had, she said that i should be thankful, because if i understood him, it would mean i am an addict too. and thank God, I am not.
i agree this is when HP/God/you name it has helped me handle my despair.
i analyzed him for months. thinking if it was his mom's death that triggered his addiction. if his dad was an alcoholic himself, i do not know, when i met his dad and grand father they looked fairly ok to me. i do not know.
he is estranged from his sister and he hates his dad. he was always with his current partner, never home. her sister was always with the door closed in her room, with her boyfriend. perhaps he drinks because his sister also has the illness that killed his mom?
i recall he spent a complete night with her in the hospital and as he was tired i went buy some pizza for him. thats when we were friends. and addiction had not taken over yet. i can remember his suffering.
his house has this aura of sadness.
he has some burns on his arms, he used to burn himself with a cigarette.
he loves gothic and violent imagery and movies.
etc...etc...etc...
the only truth here is> I DO NOT KNOW if it was genes, if it started after his mom died, if there was a problem before that, if it got worse after the fact, he states he is an extremely happy person, now that he has an alcoholic girlfriend, money, and the ability to lose consciousness everyday and come to "work" as little as possible just to have more money for booze.
he said he would drink until his last day.
i can lose my life analyzing the why's, his behaviours, the hurt, etc.
or i can live MY LIFE, put him in the hands of HP, put all my feelings in His hands as well, and then trust HP will show me what i need to do, who i need to help, how to take care of MY wellbeing, and place that energy in my own life..
i believe it is VERY TOUGH to witness the ups and downs regarding this crazy disease, you may not know it but perhaps with the relapses he is learning, or at least he has tried before.. you will never know when something will "click" on him, it is hard but we need to let them go... we certainly cannot lose ourselves waiting for something that sadly may never come.
i wish you all the best. please take care of yourself and trust HP has a plan for each one of us. our loved ones are in his tender hands. only HP can take care of them now.
(((hugs)))