i've tried to think of what might be torturing him so that will not allow him to release the urge to drink and not feel the need to cover up his sadness or anger with alcohol. i've gone thru my mind so many times, thinking back about his growing up and i can't see what could have done this to him. however, i may never know what did this, unless one day he comes right out and actually tells me. perhaps happiness to me, is torture to him, who knows. i love him with all my heart and i pray for him every day and night but i've come to realize that is all i can do for him anymore. i'm done taking his actions personally and done hurting and feeling sorry for myself. i have truly been there for him each and every time he has "recovered", and then-some. there is nothing more i can do but hope and pray that one day lightning will strike him and he will wake up and find joy in whatever time he has left on this earth. it's so hard to let go of your own flesh and blood, but for my own sanity, i must.
lucy