I'm sorry for your pain. I drank alcoholically for over 25 years starting when I was 14. I only went to one rehab when I was 21 and then drank within 3 months of getting out. At that point, I really didn't think I had a problem. I excused and justified myself and made no effort to examine my drinking. I drank until I was 39. The last 5 years were pretty bad with the last year being horrific.
I now have a little over a year of sobriety. As it pertains to me and my own life, alcoholism is both a disease and a medication. From the first time I began to drink, I knew that alcohol was for me. It gave me peace and comfort and calm and a sense of wellbeing that I'd never had before. I drank to avoid all the pain and misery of my childhood. I drank to avoid facing the reality of being raped as a young woman. I drank to avoid a whole lot of pain.
But all that drinking was also activating a disease in me. The more I drank, the more I wanted. The more pain I tried to avoid, the more pain I created. When I finally did try to quit, I found that I really REALLY couldn't. Nothing I did helped. No promises. No tricks. No attempting to control.
Rehab and AA did finally help me when I was 39. Now, I still sometimes feel like flinging it all away and drinking again. Even after all the hell i put my loved ones through and all the pain I have caused myself. When I feel that, I have tools that I use to help me. I have an AA sponsor, other sober friends to call, ways to think about things, lists that help me prioritize. I'm even sponsoring someone else now.
But... but... but.... I still feel like drinking. Sometimes, I feel like throwing it ALL away and, knowing that I am basically committing suicide, picking up the bottle again. Mostly that is in response to feelings of despair, self-loathing, helplessness. Mostly, it is when I hate myself.
So, when you ask why does it appear easier to keep drinking, my mind immediately thinks "self hatred." When you deeply hate yourself, it is easier to drink and numb-out than it is to face all of the pain and misery and shame that is behind the self-hatred.
I fight self-hatred daily. If I don't, I will drink again. But it's a constant vigil.