BigE69

I'm not sure how best to explain my situation so I guess I'll just lay it out chronologically and hopefully someone can advise me on what to do now. Thanks.

My ex-girlfriend and I were great friends and drinking buddies during our college days (starting in '96) despite me being 7 years older than her. I even went to visit her when she took a year out of college to live abroad. We didn't see each other much after college, just a few times some years later.

One day in late 2006 I bumped into her by chance crossing the river and we went for a drink. She told me her mother had recently died and she was feeling pretty down. We arranged to meet up again and after no more than a couple more times meeing we ended up together and I moved in with her almost straight away. We'd always been great friends so after some initial teething troubles everything was great. We really truly loved each other like I hadn't known was possible. She has such a shiining light of life in her that it always lifted my heart to see her, from the first time I met her.

All the whiile she was a secret drinker and an alcoholic, which she knew. Her mother had been an alcoholic and her father is an alcoholic, as are couple of other members of his family. After just over a year together, as her behaviour became more erratic she finally went into rehab. While there she said that she would have gone in sooner but was afraid that if I found out about her alcoholism that she would lose me. I told her I loved her no matter what and I knew what a wonderful person she was as did many other people.

She hasn't had a drink since and her conviction never to drink again seems unshakeable. In the months after completing rehab we were extremely happy. There were other concerns such as her issue with her weight. She also had a fear of trusting or sharing with anyone but I thought that after the openess of the sessions in rehab that we had overcome that somewhat. Both of us said that although we'd been in long term relationships before we hadn't felt this way before and now we understood what love felt like.

After the program finished she went to AA for a short while but soon stopped. She went to see her program director a few times also, and always came back much happier, but that also stopped. After some months there was a definite change in our relationship and I knew something was wrong but neither of us are great communicators and so I had to confront her and demand she told me what was wrong because otherwise we could never fix it. She said that her relationships always ends in disaster so she always looked for the flaws before the other person could find them. Over the next few months, despite the fact that over 90% of the time we were still really happy with each other, the relationship deteriorated as she kept rejecting me and pushing me away whenever I tried to help her or do something for her that she saw as me getting too close.

At this time my younger brother, who is bingeing alcoholic and a very, very annoying drunk, began to call to our apartment drunk almost every weekend even after I finally forbade him from doing so. This only added to the strain and eventually I began to go drinking more than before, which is still not a lot but more than I liked even at the time. She encouraged me to go to the pub at times because then she could have the apartment to herself. She began to resent my presence in the apartment and would sometimes stay over with friends. She had often done this before but not so frequently. We had never stopped each other from doing our own things so it was difficult to start questioning her behaviour at this time, though I now know I should have.

One day, after she had snapped at me for suggesting I help her organise her bank accounts which are always in chaos, I sent her a text saying that I had had enough of her using me as an emotional punchbag and that sometimes I needed her support too. I was in the process of starting my own business and feeling extra stressed. She apologised but I feel now that this was the end of things as far as she was concerned as she cannot bear to be disapproved of or given out to. The strain was obvious over the next few weeks and I tried to get her to talk to me but she always managed to avoid doing so. One morning she got upset because I didn't made her a cup of tea and when I asked her what was really wrong she told me it was over. No talking, no real reasons, just over. I tried to get her to talk but she refused so I said fine and I'd move my stuff out as soon as possible.

I met her a few days later and she showed no remorse or sadness that we were finished and spoke to me as if I was some old friend she hadn't seen for a while so I got annoyed and barely spoke to her. She then asked if I would continue to pay the bills as she was temporarily out of work. I got more annoyed at this and on our way back to the apartment she asked me to come in for a cup of tea and I said that I couldn't think of anything I'd like to do less and asked her to leave me alone in the aprtment to move some of my stuff out. She was visibly upset by this but I was too annoyed to care.

Three months later we had started to get on reasonably well again and had said we still loved each other but she had said that it just couldn't work because she's more f**ked up than I'll ever know. One evening about 2 months ago she decided to tell me that the evening I'd refused her offer of a cup of tea she had run off to a "friend" of hers and slept with him "out of meanness" and was now pregnant.

I still love her with all my heart and despite all her problems I know that she's just a lost frightened girl who lashes at at people who are close to her because she's confused and afraid. I've told her that I still love her and always will no matter what happens but she refuses to accept this.

I'm now trying to leave her alone and hope that she will her realise that she has to relate with and empathise with others even if she hates it as her child will leave her with no choice but to do so. I worry about her all the time and though the hurt of what she has done to me is crushing me I can't let go of how I feel about her. Although most days are now bearable, sometimes the realisation of what's happened pours into my head and flattens me.

Thanks to anyone who has made it through this extremely long post.
Any and all advice gratefully accepted as my head is all over the place.