reading your post reminds me a lot of my own situation. best advice i know - trust your gut and quicker rather than later.
i've been with my ah about just as long as you have 10 years. married 5 of those years.
his attitude has been much the same in the wanting me to just "accept" his drinking and in the going to counseling...AA...outpatinet rehab... and still drinking and not doing the really hard work on himself. so i know that story.
we went to a marriage counselor. who i remember saying that it would not take "that long" to resolve or come to a conclusion on our issues. we went together for about a year, but whenever it came to the issue of ah stopping drinking or him dealing with his family issues, he put a halt to it. he then refused to go with me and he went to individual with her for a short period....
i continued ON MY OWN to go to her for TWO years. codie in me feeling guilty if i left her and scared to try something different. BUT, all along my gut told me that she was not giving me the help that i needed and that i should switch counselors (go back to one i went to for depression and when i was struggling with grief over losing my dad and the break up of a relationship and then when i felt my insecurity jeapordized my relationship with ah).
so FINALLY, i got up the nerve to go with my gut and go back to MY old counselor that had always helped me before and in a very short quick period of time and finally i have some relief and feel better.
she quickly started treating the depression and put me on anti-depressants - which i needed. her therapy has helped me more in just a couple of sessions than two years with the other counselor. there is no confusion with her, she gets straight to the point, gives homework, and actually offers direction.
i just wish i wouldn't have wasted over two years in a situation with a counselor that i knew in my gut wasn't helping me as much as she should.
so, the lesson i learned. if something isn't working try something different - YOU CAN ALWAYS GO BACK if you find it is a mistake.
as far as AH, he - on his own -he found a church that seems to be helping him and renewing his spirit. he seems to be working through his issues there. he goes and dedicates his time to it. his actions there show progress and growth.
in the meantime, i have found that my own issues, actions, and depression have had an impact on our marriage. i'm working on my own "stuff" and at same time he is working on his own "stuff".
we've went to the pastor for a marriage counseling session, haven't been back again because i have left it up to ah to pursue this if he wants to put the effort into it, but i can say that ONE session helped us more than two years with the old counselor.
i don't have any answers on where our marriage will go, if we'll stay married, or end up divorced, but i've found a solution that works for myself at the moment. i guess it all depends on how much work, effort, and change actually occurs.
find what works for you and if something doesn't don't be afraid to change it
