Shellslove

I posted this on LostButterfly's thread as a response to the story she's been telling and the encouraging messages I've read there...whether or not you're familiar w/her thread (she's an awesome, strong gal!) this is the feeling it bought up in me, and I think it generally applies to how I've been feeling, so I wanted to post as a separate thread starter....

I envy the relationships I see here between the recovering addicts and their HP, b/c I just cannot get there. I think it's b/c I haven't commited to the na/aa thing, b/c i don't know if I believe in it all. I've been 'sober' now for going on a year...and I don't feel like a 'dry' drunk (interesting choice of words since it's always been pills for me.) What I mean is...I've changed alot in my life for the better...I've gotten rid of many triggers, people and things I know are not good for me...I've had extensive counseling, f2f group time (non 12 step) and work w/an addictionologist...things are going good...but I feel like something is missing.

I read here about how everyone has given up control to there HP, and to me...I still feel like I need to control everything and I'm doing this with my own strength and will power...I mean, is that wrong? I just don't know in my head. I can see myself trying to control situations...I have conversation after conversation where I can actually hear myself as I am controlling the flow and making things turn out the way I want them to be...and it works! It's manipulation, not necessarily in a bad way...but I go into a conversation knowing what the resolution will be because I've already decided it to be so, and know how to get it that way. I'm conflicted...what's wrong with control? But I know one day I could lose it all, come crashing down...and if I don't give it up to an HP I might be lost... I see other lost souls and recommend therapy...I suggest aa/na b/c it's worked for so many others...and I know a program of recovery is so important, b/c I wouldn't be where I am w/o mine...but I feel like a sham, b/c I myself haven't 'worked the 12 steps' and given up the control...

I'm sorry, I guess I should've started a thread on this (still thinking about cutting and pasting as I type)...but it's your thread that has actually made me admit to myself that I even care about this and have these feelings....is that crazy? It's like a breakthrough but a curse....how do you guys do it??