I agree Beth. And the same goes for myself. White knuckling anyhting is tirture and not effective in most cases.
I hear progress and acceptance in you here. I hope you finally ready to try another way besides your way. We have seen you get a good amount of time on your own. Imagine how well you will do when you put a program or some type of support network in place. I think it is a recipe for success IMO.
I have watched you go through some really tough times. And you always keep trying. Even when it looked like you were ready to give up. You always come back ready to give it another go. I have faith you are goin to make it stick here soon.
Your always very honest about where you are in life and what your feeling. Even when you know it may cause some to question your seriousness of wanting to get better. Honesty, strength and persistance is what I see in you. Put all that into a good recovery and you will be on your way. I just know it.