That is what addiction does to us sometimes. Nothing to be ashamed of yet. Just dont act on it. And take whatever measures you need to take to make sure you dont. I know if it were me. I would feel even worse if I did cave and take them. Especially in that type of a situation. I think they would proud of you for telling them your concerns. And I am sure they would do everything they could to help you avoid making that mistake.
I am sorry for your loss. Good luck.