Susan, Welcome to SR! You have found the first step to your own recovery. First the 3 C's
You didn't cause it!
You can't control it!
You can't cure it!
I am the mom of a 30 yr old AD (addict daughter) her DOC (drug of choice)
crack. I can totally relate to everything you are feeling & have done. Until I found Nar-anon & Al-anon meetings, I felt such guilt........then I realized that I did NOT teach her to use drugs. I taught her right from wrong, how to cross the street, how to tie her shoes.......but never once did I teach her to use. I, too, would be paralyzed with fear if we were to go out of town.......then I realized that it didn't matter if we were home or gone, if she wanted to she was going to use either way. Finally, we did go out of town, and now being a smart woman, my jewellry went with me.
I was very close to having a nervous breakdown, that's when I walked into the rooms of Al-anon, then later Nar-anon. These meetings saved MY life. These meetings showed me that I was NOT alone. The meetings taught me that I had to detach. My daughters addiction/recovery is in her hands, NOT mine. I had to stop enabling, and that can be as simple as giving them a soft spot to land.
I hope that you will read the stickies at the top, and read the other posts, especially over at Friends& Family,and keep posting.
Hugs,
Chris
today, my AD has almost 4 mos clean & sober....she hit her bottom & chose on her own to begin a recovery program.