Originally Posted by
firestorm090 
Hi again Katie,
I don't know how old you are, but that is really immaterial as far as where you are right now. The reason I mention age is because I will turn fifty next week, on the 19th of March. I wish it were possible for me to truly express just how much damage my use of alcohol has caused over the last thirty years, but the words that would describe the devastation elude me now. I wish I had been able to stop thirty years or more ago. I've lost so much, have caused so much pain to my loved ones, and am still torn apart over losing my wife almost ten years ago because of my alcoholism. My ex wife was and is a beautiful lady, and she made my life seem worth living. Of all the many things I've lost due to my alcoholism, the loss of my wife is the most devastating thing I could possibly imagine, yet it happened to me. I could not be the man she wanted, even though the potential was there, because alcohol ruled my life in every respect. The stories I could tell you would undoubtedly bring tears to your eyes, because they do mine, and I don't cry, because I was taught that men don't cry. The truth is, whenever I think of her, it is damn hard not to tear up, so I've literally spent years trying to drink her memory away. It doesn't work, nor does it ease my pain. The horrid memories of my neglect and abuse of her love and kindness haunt me to this day. I abandoned her, while she never abandoned me, and she cared for me when I could not care for myself. That is the legacy I live with each and every day.
You are presently in a place that can help you find ways of living your life differently than I've lived mine. That's why I'm writing this to you tonight. I don't really care what anyone else in this group thinks about what I'm writing here, because I'm not writing this to them, I'm writing this for you and you alone.
Regardless of any unpleasant factors that may confront you today, and in the upcoming days and weeks, you may be in the one place that can help you avoid the type of life I've lived. I sincerely, to the depth of my soul, regret the life I've lived. Alcohol became my bride, and stole my wife from me, as well as most of my life. Alcohol took every good thing in my life and left me with only a few crumbs by which to sustain myself, only to allow me to look in the mirror and see my losses on a daily basis. The vicious cycle of alcoholism is not created by alcohol itself, it is created by the unretrievable losses we endure in order to drink our fill. It is the most vicious of masters.
The only way to stop the pain is to stop the addiction, one day at a time. There is no other way. If there were, I would not be here trying to help you.
Please give yourself a chance, so that you may avoid the pain that has brought so many of us here to our knees.
Yup, that is the plan. I am not looking for reasons to leave. I only have a couple of requirements here and that is sleep and my pets' safety. Yes, I'd like to see the beach, but this is more important. So...for finally returning to SoCal after so many years, you'd never know I was even here.
I am so sorry you had to go through all that pain and still do. And I thank you for your well thought out and sincere post. Yeah, I've had a LOT of screwed up things happen in my life and now is my time I guess. I too will be 50 this year, and I can't even believe it. I suspect I might sound younger (when I read some of my posts I shake my head and swear they were written by a youngster, and I'd like to think look much younger
), but I suppose that's because, well, I am not sure why!
I really am committed to seeing this through, although it wasn't quite advertised the way I expected. Today someone told me that I could find alternative groups to go to and I'll meet my case manager tomorrow and see about this.
Thanks so much for sharing your story and happy 50th soon!