And the church ladies know him too, and they both think that he does WANT to straighten out his life, but is having problems doing it. They do agree that I should not enable him though, so the issue is where to draw the line on enabling versus helping.
Anubus, what the minister, you or the church ladies think is really of no consequence because your bf will change _only_ when he becomes willing.
I know I can't cure him, but I truly want to see him put this legal thing behind him. If he screws it up again after that, oh well then he has nobody to blame but himself.
I'm not an addict so I don't have direct ESH...but I do have ESH as the mom of an addict and my part in our family story.
When we stepped out of the way and my son faced the full brunt of his own actions- he did stop. His consequences included losing his car, almost everything he owned and....spending a year incarcerated plus 4 months in a halfway facility after that. Jail was required for my son to stay off the streets and alive. He's been clean and sober for almost 3 years and lives responsibly. Not everyone is so blessed, but in his case he finally said he would do anything required to have a different life.
I'm so happy now to know that the self esteem he found in knowing that he could take care of himself as any adult should- actually helps keep him where he needs to be. His bad choices were not my fault but by doing things for him I took away his opportunity to try, fail- get back up and move on. Yes- it's a gamble to let go but the fact is that nothing good ever came out of my enabling and I am NOT responsible for somebody else's bad choices-ever. My son can take full credit for his hard won recovery.
His mom is NOT a good influence on him, she doesn't encourage him at all....I think in some sick way she WANTS to see him fail in life.
What I once thought was the worst case scenario was actually better than the best case scenario. I was wrong. One night, after my son's first arrest, I finally began to snap out of some destructive thinking and realized that by helping my son stay active in his addiction- I was party to all of it. That is the 4th C...I can contribute. I just couldn't live with that and at that point made some huge changes in my own conduct.
I love the bible story about the prodigal son. The father allowed his son to fail when he stayed out of his son's business and sent him out on his way...to live on his own like any other adult does. Then the father waited (and I'm sure prayed) for his son to come to his senses.