To answer 4 of your questions Anvil
No, no, no and no...but thats par for the course right now and I'm accepting it (sorta) and working on it!! Your brain knows what to do, it's getting the rest of you to follow through.
I already know in my heart this is not going to work.
This morning came the onslaught....first he called my house phone, left a long (tired sounding ) message. Ended it with it's time for us to talk.
Then came the cell phone message...pretty much the same.
Then the email....I love you and I miss u and I'm going to try to make up my mind to stop using. Please call soon.
and finally the text message...."Boo, please call me".
I've not responded to any of them as of yet....if/when I do I think my only response will be something like, "I like your words but actions speak louder"? I don't know....I'll wait and see.
The cold spell is over and it's a perfect beach day, so I've loaded up the ipod with a great book and I think I shall go meditate for awhile...and probably tomorrow too!!!
I went through that vicious divorce 4 years ago with the MLC'ing exH, i've learned the art of detachement but it takes me a few weeks to get it out now. I'm still not done with the xH, he is still in the mothership trying to make my life miserable because the grass was not greener on the other side. That took a tremendous toll on my me, my self esteem and fear of rejection. However, it did leave me with determination to always be the greener grass in whatever situation I've been put in.
It's also left me with a bad taste for weakness and a huge inability to trust but that is my fault because I have such high expectations of people and I get let down easily. I can't seem to knock the "ZERO EXPECTATIONS" into my head to save my soul.
I've been humbled, I've hit rock bottom, I've wanted to die. Good thing my personality and so called strength is stronger than I thought it was. I've learned even at my weakest I was strong.
There are many days I wake up in disbelief that this has all happened and now it seems I've went and found someone whom I knew had problems but was working on them, I knew he wasn't perfect and I accepted that but I loved him anyways for his kindness, his love, his adventuresome personality and his (what I thougth) ability to handle life pressures and be OK. I leaned on him throughout the divorce and leaned on him even more so when the legal issues were to much for me to handle.
Perhaps we were both being band-aides to one another, but it was a comfortable, loving band-aide.
I need to gain control back of my life before I can even attempt to be of any good to anyone else. I know this, but the lonliness gets hard.
This is why I've decided to seek counseling, to help me focus on me and get my conrtol back. To remember who I am and where I want to be in life. I have forgotten so many things.
From the divorce experience I find it difficult to just walk away from a person who needs help. Even if I can't be the one to help him, or he says he doesn't need help...I feel that somewhere in those words he speaks is a cry for help, I do. Thats my weakness.
When I was going through the incredibly hard painful times, I prayed to God to send me someone to help me, and in walked the abf.
At this time I can't walk away from him.....people walked away from me when I was at my lowest because they didn't know what to do, they didn't understand how to help me.....according to them I was supposed to buck up and be a big girl even though I had just been abandoned and tossed to the curb.
I am not going to jump back into the relationship, like I said, right now I see zero future with him. But I do love the guy and I wouldn't leave anyone who is hurting and make the pain worse. I'm not going to enable him either. I am going to stick with the plan to work on myself first. Kinda like the "put the oxygen mask on yourself first if the plane is crashing and King Baby last" theory.
If you've read this far, THANK YOU! I find it easier to write down my thoughts, feelings and emotions to help me process through whats next in life.
I hope everyone has a wonderful, peacefull and blessed weekend.
My thoughts are with everyone.