Originally Posted by
anubus 
This whole mess is so confusing....hard to know what is "helping" and what is "enabling"....ugh.
This was hard for me to figure out, too. I have read a lot of stuff about doing things for others that they can and should do for themselves, helping people who don't want my help, etc.
What finally became clear to me is that it's all about
my motivation. I know I am enabling when I
expect something in return for my help (love, affection, sobriety, or whatever). I nearly 'helped' my AH to death. And I kept a mental tally of 'all I had done for him' and how much he 'owed' me for it. When I am truly helping, there is no expectation of anything in it for me. My only motivation is kindness.
I have a story that illustrates what I mean. 20 or so years ago, I worked for a company who employed a very talented young artist. Everyone who worked there knew she had a herion addiction. When it got to the point of interfering with her work, the company valued her talent so much that they sent her to a residential rehab. It was less than two months after she returned that she went back to her addiction. Finally, the company had no choice but to fire her. Another friend I worked with told me one day that S had shown up at her office asking for money. Being young myself, and very judgemental at the time, I said "I hope you didn't give her any!" My friend explained that she did give her some money because it was the kind thing to do. She also told me that she made it clear that it was a one time gift, no repayment expected. She told the young junkie not to come back again, because there would be no more gifts or loans. She wished her well and told her that she loved her. I've long since lost touch with that friend, but I often remember the valuable lesson she taught me that day. What she did was not enabling as I see it, even though the money she gave most likely was spent on smack. She gave freely with no expectation and didn't get sucked into an endless cycle of giving and giving and giving, all the while being disappointed in the results of her giving.
I don't know what ever happened to that young artist, but I do know that my friend did what her heart told her was right and never regretted it.
L