straightlines

Hello everyone. This is my first post and i plan to post again. I found this website doing a extensive google search. I have spent the last hour reading some stories other people have gone through. I have to say, this is a very very scary and depressing place. It hurt me so much to see other people go through what i am or worse. However, it also soothes to know there is help out there without a price-tag.

I would like to appoligize for such a long post, but it takes a long time to write 10 years.

Im here for concern of my father. He is a addict. The addict who didnt take pills to avoid withdrawal, but to get high.

Lets jump back in time 10 years. My father was about 35 and was scheduled for back surgery on his lower back. Not sure wich area but he has 2 herniated discs. I remember the day before the surgery, i was 11 years old. My sister and I were swimming with my dad and having nothing but a great time. I wish then i knew to say goodbye to him because i would never see him again. Next day, after waiting hours in the hospital. His surgery was done. It turned out bad. His back was so inflamed and so soar he was way worse off than the day before. He was sent home three days later and prescribed a low dose of vicodin. Im not sure about the quantity or strength. After about 6 months his prescription amount went up and so did the strength. Take this cycle and move it seven years up and 3 surgerys later. He was now on a enormous dose, i beleive he was on the 10mg (some people call it 1000mg but thats not true) of hydrocodone. At the time he would regularly withdrawal for about 2-3 days before his refill because he overtook the directed amount. Then about 2 months later, i was awoken in the middle of the night by my mom telling me she was taking my dad to the hospital. I knew it was to get methadone. He has gone there before. I told them not to go. Because i might know someone who he could by vicodin from illegaly. Dont mistake me for the person who does this myself, i hate drugs i refuse to even take a Tylenol for a headache. Anyways, i got ahold of my friend and he said he could get me some. I had ran over to his house and got 6 of the 500mg vicodin , wich are the big fat weak ones? for 20$.. wow expensive right? I thought it would be fine, then around noon the same day he was out again. I was in shock that someone could run out that fast. After about 2-3 months of buying overpriced little amounts i found someone to sell the norco yellow vicodin for 2.50$ each. My dad began buying over 200 at a time. Speniding over 1000$ a month on this. I dont know how he afforded it, but things really hurt at home cause of this. This was right around the time i was graduating. So when i did graduate i had nothing but "get a job, goto college attitude" But then something grabbed me, blinded me and made me want to starting drinking, smoking and trying different drugs myself. I used to take a few vicodin for the fun. I can honestly say i dont enjoy drugs. Espesially after seeing what it really does to people. Anyways, i figured out what kept me from moving on in my life was my dad. That time of the month when it was a struggle to get the druggs for him and see him suffer. It month by month ruined my life. I became so depressed and the anxiety eats my alive. Im so paranoid now, i never was. I would curl up in my bed everyday, weeks after weeks and months after months. Now its been 3 years since i graduated. I have gone nowhere. People around me dont realize how bad my brain is carved from this. I cannot seem to find someone to help me f ind the answers. So im coming here as my last hope.

Now comes the bad point in my life. Last year around June, my dad hit rock bottom. He was finally setup to get off the drugs, he was put on soboxne and for a while there. It worked. I finally thought i was seeing my dad that i was swimming with 10 years ago. It was soon after that though i realized it wasnt. Suboxone is a aweful drug. It offers addicts something they always wanted. To abuse the pills and not have to ever withdrawal. As my dad did. He was put on valium and xanax while on the suboxone. Being we seen his past history of addiction and abuse it was only a matter of time before he abused this. Now is that time. Im not 100% sure on what he takes now, but its deffinetly a benzo. He takes clonidine, temazepam, diazepam and who knows what else. He is obviously abusing it. I dont even recongnize him anymore. His eyes look awefull. They are always bloodshot, and his pupils are always the size of a pencil tip. His whole posture is so disgusting. He cant even think or talk right. He slurs words and sways back and forth when he stands. I'm guessing it feels to him like be VERY drunk. He doesnt remember things, he doesnt even goto work for more then a half day anymore. He complains he is always tired and at most sleeps 2 hours a night. He completly denys that he is taking anything. He says he only takes zantac for his heartburn. He falls asleep sitting up in the chair eating, and falls asleep talking on the phone.

Here is my biggest concern. My family. That doesnt include my father because he died 10 years ago. My mother just recently left a month ago. My dad got served divorse papers, restrainting order. It look like after 25 years of marrige it was finally over. It hit my dad hard. I never seen a grown man cry this much or hurt this much. But the whole time it was just me and him here, he was high off pills. So this tells me one thing. He cannot stop this habbit alone. He needs help, he needs to admit that he has a problem and want to get over it. I'm going to be the one who guides him and convinces him. I just need to get some advise and some guidelines to do this. Im pretty sure rehab is the only place he needs to end up. But i know he will say "no no never no no" he wont go. He says he doesnt have a problem and he is just tired. We all know he is an addict. Tell me how i can help him? What steps i need to take. My mother just 9 days ago, canclled the divorse papers and moved back home. After it looking like we will all be seperated for the rest of our life... we were brought back together. How? i do not know. I do know if he he is like much longer he will lose everyone for good. I wont stay with him this time. Or he will die.

I always said to myself. "Why would you help someone who ruined your life?" just like "Why would you care for someone who stole from you?" its called love. I always thought it could never be broken. Im learning now it can, i dont want to lose my family. I want to bring the dad i knew 10 years ago home and send this monster here now to burn.

Again sorry for the long read.

I wrote a letter for him, im not sure when ill give it to him or if i will at all. Im not sure if my message would help or make things worse. Please read it and let me know.



********************START OF LETTER*****************
This is the last time i try to help you. This is the last time i protect you. This is the last time i trust you. Unless you prove to me otherwise.

I'm not sure if you know what it is that's making your life so difficult. But I'm sure you do. You are a drug addict. Like it or not. You can go on all day to me or anyone how you don't take anything, or how you sleep only a few hours a night. There is nothing you can say to make anyone believe you. I know how u think. You are just like a con/scammer. You will say anything, do anything to manipulate someone to get what you want. Here is your target and goal. You first of all, lie to your own son about abusing drugs. That i can never forget. You let so many people down, and make this home miserable. That i will never forget. You are so obviously high all the time. I can see it in your face. You look so aged and disgusting i don't even recognize you anymore. Look at all the bad things you have done because of your problem. Almost lost your family, and you will lose them for good if you keep this up. Never have money. Where is all your money going? Look at all the unfinished projects you started? You don't even go to visit your own dying mother. Why? Because you are high. All the time, and that's all you care about. Now I'm sure your gonna get mad, and maybe even sad at this letter. And why is that? because I'm attacking the ONLY thing you care about. Drugs. Its you life. Don't you see it? Probably not because your high whenever someone tries to help you. You know I'm right.

Look at how things have turned out. You used to take the vicodin to not feel pain or withdrawal. That became so much worse, you had to buy them illegally through my friends and make me get them for you. Then you thought you had found a way to quit the easy way. Suboxone. All this drug did for you was open a whole new world of drugs for you. Temazepam. Which is a benzodiazepine. Not sure if you are aware of this or not. This drug is one of the most addictive drugs there is. It is just like heroin. I promise, if you keep abusing this you will not live for another five years. You will never get to see you kids grow up or there kids be born. Every time you take a pill, i want you to think of this "I do no care about my family, myself or my kids unborn kids" because that is the message you tell everyone who cares for you when you come home high everyday. You figure, "Hey ill get high off these and when i run out ill take suboxone.. i never have to withdrawal again". That is so very very wrong.

Also, do you really think you can be sneaky about this? You think you can play it off so no one can tell you abusing this ****? If its not the Temazepam, then it is obviously something else. Also, if your really not taking anything like you claim you are. You are done. Your mind is so rotten and screwed up from all the years of this abuse. Your in some ways worse than all those rock stars who can barely even talk, walk or think. As for the cover up. You do not fool me for a second. I can tell just by looking at you. Or by even hearing your heavy breathing. Your pupils are the size of pencil tips. Wich is almost always a sign of drug overdose. Your voice doesn't even sound like you. Maybe its because it isn't even you? Where did my father go? Because i haven't seen him in over 10 years. I'm not sure if you know, but someone needs to tell you that your making the stupidest decisions and act like the biggest loser when your high. I wont stay here for long looking at this ****. You can kick me out or do whatever you want. Believe me, if you don't change your life i will do it for you. I will make your life so bad so maybe then, you will hit rock bottom like i have. You have ruined my life. Ever wonder why i don't work or do much? Besides your typical "he is lazy" conclusion?

If you really care about your family. You will do whatever it is to fix your problem. Do you know what that is? I do. But i promise you will get steamed when i tell you and say "no no no never no no no" Why because there is only one thing you care about. Drugs. You need to be rehabilitated. Rehab. But you wont go, will you? Why? because u cant get high there. Don't think for a second there is another way to fix this, because there isn't. I'm not sure really what your taking, but Temazepam or not it has to go. I am also positive your buying **** illegally somewhere. Shame on you.

Slurring words, acting like your "just tired" is such a line of bull. No one believes you and no one will. I don't want you to EVER talk to me about this letter or your problem. I want you to show me that your willing to fix it. But i got a strong feeling saying you will never fix it. If i don't see any improvement or change, I'll walk out of your life and take my family with me. I will not let them see you throw your life away and slowly ruin theirs like you have ruined mine. I don't play these drug addict games no more.

Pretty harsh words right? Think about how mad and fed up someone would have to get to write this letter to their own father.

You got a choice to make.

Family
or
Drugs

You pick and let me know.

Your son

********************END OF LETTER*****************