I am sad and mad and tired *warning: sex talk*
I am so sad today.
I think that my feelings about my friend have caught up with me. I just feel like a piece of s**t.
I am so tired of everyone expecting me to be strong and perform in every area of my life.
How am I supposed to work a full-time job, perform, take improv classes, maintain my relationship and morn my friend. And I have no outlet to relieve the constant pressure.
Everyone thinks of me as really strong without knowing it's my not feeling my emotions because I have to make the next thing.
And I can't even talk to my partner about this because she's the same flippin' way as I am (Pot.Kettle.Black) and I have to yell at her to get her to listen to me for anything serious. Also she's pissed because we are not having sex as often as she'd like. So I'm supposed to do everything above and then come home after a 14 hour day and just get to it? And then I hear "I was married and I'm not going to be in another sexless relationship" It feels like she's threatening to leave me because I'm not putting out.
She wants me to make money at my job so I can buy her everything, and also perform comedy, and, and, and, and, oh, and, don't forget to please me. Oh and don't drink. Oh and don't do anything to relieve the pressure.
This is the dialog in my head coming form my SO: Why don't you work out? I'll make you feel better. Oh no, let's go to bed at midnight, because I don't have to get up early, but you get up at 6:30 to work-out, work a full 8-5 day, then have shows/classes/goals/spend time with me at night and then go to bed at midnight (or later) again. Oh and don't have any time on the weekends because that's when your classes are. Oh, but I'm mad because you don't spend enough time with me, but you need to achieve! Oh you have a couple of hours? Oh yes, let's do something. You sit there for an hour while I finish this thing that I'm doing. Oh and then you pay for whatever we're doing otherwise we can't do it. Because I own my own business and can't afford whateveritis right now even though you are supporting yourself so you can eventually do comedy full time but why should I respect your dreams when Mom and Dad paid for me to start my business, now let's go to dinner or I'll complain because we don't do anything anymore.
Oh and you can't talk about your friend that killed herself because I'm uncomfortable.
I'm really in a bad place today.