I want a divorce.
The good news is: I'm getting one
I saw the lawyer today, and, I am happy to say, P is complying with all my requests (though he made a futile (and ridiculous) attempt to convince me to remove the 24 hour ban on alcohol consumption before his visitation with DS).
P alternates between sad, angry, and hopeful. I dislike his pain, but it's not overwhelming me. We are being very civil and kind. It's weird looking at him and not seeing my husband, talking to him and not saying "I love you." But, the weirdness will lessen over time, I'm certain. I deal with it now by communicating mostly via email.
What a change! When I chose to separate I was a sobbing mess of hope and disappointment and fear. I moved out because I HAD to for my sanity, not because I wanted to. I wanted to be with P. I wanted him to love me and behave.
No more. I want to be free.
Everyday I get to take steps that are in my best interest, and it feels wonderful.
Thank you to everyone here.
-TC