hopeangel

hi all, i decided i'd start this thread to track my progress, keep you updated, and, maybe just to vent every once in a while if i need? oh, and for support and advice through this.

i think maybe if i post here i'll be more accountable for my actions and i know you all will not let me fall.

right now i'm just waiting for the papers from the attorney to come so i could fill them out and actually retain him for the divorce to start moving forward. i know this is something i must do. i hope i will be strong enough. i really feel that nothing will change. i'm of the attitude right now that if it is a mistake, ah and i can always get remarried - once he goes to treatment and commits to sobriety, if that happens, if not, then i will be free to move on with my life. if i take all the emotion out of it, it has to be a win win situation for me right?

trying to ride out the economy, cutback in my pay, ah's unemployment, and the selling of the house.

my little vent - after a four day binge, ah comes to sleep in bed. it really irritates me that he thinks he can just come and go as he pleases. it makes me angry and messes with my sleep. not to mention it makes it harder to detach especially when he says he loves me, etc. i try not to argue this point with him too much other than to state that it upsets me because i just want to keep the peace and try to go on sleeping. plus, he will get stubborn and not leave the bed.

also, i don't need to tell you mentally ah is losing it more and more when he drinks. he is just not in his right mind and will rant. the other night he was on a rampage talking about me and all my family things that didn't make sense and his mom was in the hospital and told him that she may not live through the year (probably once a month his mom is in the hospital and they never find anything really wrong. i believe she does it for attention.) i pray for her and her well-being, but it upsets me that she enables him so much and upsets him so much. whenever he spends time with them his whole attitude changes because he has not dealt with his childhood issues of abuse with them and is very much still under their control.

i know, these are all things that he has to deal with on his own and i have to let go. just venting about this really cause it does anger me.