It's funny- that you get his 100% when he isn't on the pills??
It all depends on how long he doesn't have them. If he doesn't have them for a few days I get the sick, down guy. If he goes through the withdrawal and KNOWS he's going to get more pills soon, then I see the real him. There was a time when his doctor dropped him and he didn't have any meds for a month and a half. Life went back to normal to an extent, but he was so depressed. Because he didn't know if he'd get them back or when. Its all so complicated and took me a while to figure out the whole cycle. When he's ON the pills, during the day he is somewhat "normal" but I don't see him much during the day as I work full time. At night he loads up and gets annoyingly "fun and happy". And, some of it's an act. He knows that if he looks depressed that that is a sign of abuse. He's very smart and very manipulative.
About the rain comment from Anvil's reply, is it okay to live with the rain all the time? If you had a choice to live in a town that is rainy and gloomy all the time, or move the next town over where it's all nice and sunny, where would you want to live? It's not about what you CAN deal with. It's about what is OK for you to deal with. What can you be HAPPY with? Doesn't seem like you're happy right now. What's gonna change that's gonna make it okay? Living with the bad just to get to the good. Can you live like that? Yes, but do you WANT to???
Hearing you go through this and thinking about it from another prospective is helping me too. Thanks for posting.