Random thoughts
I'm trying to sort things out in my head. I started working on ME a couple weeks ago. Saturday (2 weeks ago) was my first meeting. Interestingly, my AH last drank 2 weeks ago on Sunday. I laid down the boundary that I was no longer willing to live in a home where I (or the kids or the dog) were being verbally or emotionally abused. Much of what he had done in the past was very subtle and has taken me a long time to identify as abusive. Some of his behaviors were not so subtle, and I chose to deny. Anyhow, he knows I have seen an attorney and I told him I would be calling her if needed. I intentionally did not address his drinking, because I am not prepared, at this time, to stand by that and am not sure how to approach it as a boundary and not an ultimatum.
Long story short, he has been friendly, warm, engaging. He's helpful with the kids. He's "that guy" I have been missing for so long. So I should be happy and grateful, right? I know it's only 2 short weeks, and I know that the chance that things will take a turn south is very likely. I've been burnt one too many times and I'm not letting my guard down. But here's where I'm struggling. IF he really can turn it off and on so easily then why the he!! has he spent the last 2 years so miserable and making us all so miserable too? IF it is so easy for him to be "that guy" then where has he been all this time? Is it pure manipulation? I guess time will tell. My plan is to keep working on me. Keep up the meetings, and counseling. Keep coming here for y'all's wisdom. Thanks for letting me get my thoughts out....it really does help. My therapy assignment for the week is to identify what I'm feeling and when. Not to analyze or try to change it, just be aware. Right now I'm a little ticked that it seems so easy for him to turn it off and on......and that every bit of hurt I've felt for the past years should so easily be dissolved.