Hi SJLady -- glad you found SR -- I'm new here as well and it has been a source of comfort and strength for me. The stickies at the top of the forum page have been very helpful to me.
Your story is very similar to mine, I have been doing "the dance" for almost 27 years now. My husband is a great guy -- kind, loving, was a good father, -- but there is another person in there that I don't know -- the addict. It wasn't as bad in the beginning, the last 10 years have been the worst -- the disease progressing without the treatment it needs. My husband is moving out next week and I'm scare, devestated and relieved.
I work with sexually abused women who have many times also suffered domestic violence. There is a "cycle of abuse" that we refer to when working with survivors. I have come to realize (even though I have never experienced physical or sexual abuse at the hands of my husband -- but definitely emotional abuse) that the cycle parallels what I have lived with with an addict.
It starts with "the incident" -- something happens, an event, a beating (a binge). There is chaos, hurt feelings, possibly injuries, emotional pain
There is then the "making up phase" -- they say sorry, it will never happen again, it's not as bad as you think, it didn't really happen the way we say, they may blame us (mine would tell me it's because I'm never "intimate" with him and he feels rejected therefore he drinks). They become the "victim"
The next phase is the "calm" stage -- everything goes back to "normal", status quo, some of of the promises made in the making up phase may be met, they may act like it never happened -- don't want to be reminded of the incident, we have great "hope" that it is over -- they have seen the light -- this time is different, they may bring us flowers or gifts -- we see a glimpse of who we married
Next comes the "tension building phase" -- we can feel a tension building (with me, I knew his binges were every 4-6 weeks), we walk on eggshells not wanting to make them mad which could be a trigger, they may pick arguments with us, there can be a breakdown in communication, we try to be "peacemakers" keeping everything calm.
Then the cycle starts all over again. This cycle can move back and forth in between the stages. It can take months to cycle through or days or weeks -- every situation is different.
What I came to realize is that I was not only living with an addict but I was living this cycle. I had lost myself and was only focused on him. He became my project and I was not going to let this disease win. In the end, it has. I made him my priority and all I was was an option to him.
He HAS to want recovery (even though we want nothing more in the world for them than that). Your job is to take care of yourself. What is good for you. Coming here for support is a great start. Many here will tell you of the benefits of Alanon and counselling. I have yet to get to a face to face alanon meeting but often go to online meetings. Counselling is helping. You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You can only take care of yourself.
I know how painful this can be. I also know how important it is to try to think about you and not how he behaves. If you don't, you become lost in his disease and it will make you sick.
I hope you continue to read here -- there are many who have the same experiences and it has helped me to not feel so alone -- that there are people who understand only as they can -- from experience.
take care of you
Laurie