Sometimes its hard to reply to a thread when you hear yourself so much in it. I remember that time when i was so desperate to help my son - when every waking moment he was all that i thought of. I didnt sleep, I didnt eat, I did nothing but worry about him. For me, that time was when i did the most damage to my son. Trying to control, fix, and completely obsessed on him. In essence i was telling him that my happiness was reliant on his success - the more he failed the further we both sunk. That's a lot of pressure for me to put on someone else.
Once i was able to detach - which took a very long time and a lot of hard work/counseling - i was able to help him. My son makes the choice to use without any input from me therefore he will face his consequences on his own without me. My son has been hospitalized, jailed, and is finally in rehab. None of the places he has been has anything to do with me. If he doesnt like going to those places then he knows how to stop it. Sometimes jail is the safest place for them. I always sleep better when my son is locked up becuase that's the only time i dont feel like today could be the day he dies.
I also think that by showing him how i face adversity (which is him) I teach him valuable lessons. If mom shrinks away and gives up on life then its not much different then him giving up and using. I now try to lead by example instead of force. Showing him that we can rise above problems and that we dont have to let the situations in life control our happiness. I focused on myself and became stronger in turn, my son became more willing to listen to me and to trust my judgment - it hasnt fixed anything but it has made it easier for both of us when at least one of us is strong.
So you get a grip on yourself -get your life in order - regain your strength because in the end that's all that you can control. You will not get through this by giving up - you will get through this by finding every bit of strength you have left to get up and get on with your life. My son is responsible for his own happiness and I am responsible for my own. I must show him that happiness is a choice.