TRUE GUILT v.s.. FALSE GUILT
Infantile guilt, religious guilt, and the guilt resulting from failing to meet parental or societal expectations result from not measuring up to the expectations set by others. Psychologist Carl Jung and psychiatrist Paul Tournier (Tournier 1977) contrast these types of guilt, which label they label false guilt, with true guilt, or not meeting standards you have set for yourself. True guilt involves letting ourselves down, whether in the form of not taking care of ourselves, not developing our talents, allowing others to mistreat us, or not pursuing our personal dreams. False guilt derives from "fear of social judgement and the disapproval" of others ( Tournier 1977, 69), but true guilt derives from not being faithful to ourselves.
For example, Toni’s husband insisted that she have her tubes tied when she was twenty-one years old. They already had two children. He didn’t want any more children, but she did and she wanted to retain the capacity to have children. When she suggested a vasectomy, her husband refused. He pressured her until she relented. "I didn’t want to do it. I felt I was too young to get my tubes tied. But my husband made me feel guilty about not doing what he wanted. I went along because I wanted to be a good wife," explains Toni.
"Today I feel guilt towards myself for doing what he wanted instead of what was important to me. We separated soon after I got my tubes tied and many of the men I met wanted to marry a woman who could have a family. Of course, I couldn’t have any more children, so it was hard for me to find a new life-partner. But even if I had remained married to my ex-husband, I would still be mad at myself today for not sticking up for what I wanted."
Men as well as women can be pressured by a significant other into actions they do not want to take. Bill, for example, had a vasectomy at his wife’s insistence. "I didn’t want that vasectomy, but thought I’d feel too guilty if I didn’t do what she wanted. What’s worse, I gave into her on other important issues too. Maybe they weren’t important to her, but they were to me. I believe compromise is necessary for a good marriage, but I was doing all the compromising. Sure I’m still married, but I lost my self-respect."
Bill and Toni feared the guilt involved in disappointing someone they loved and quite possibly, of incurring their spouse’s anger and rejection. In this respect, they were guided by false guilt when they acquiesced to their spouses demands. However today they feel the pangs of true guilt, a guilt based on not acting on their true convictions and not standing up for themselves.
True guilt is widespread for few people are always faithful to themselves. In fact, true guilt can be as repressed as our shadow or other anti-social impulses, because to acknowledge the ways in which we have let ourselves down can be excruciatingly painful. When we are true to our inner callings and personal convictions we run the risk of being criticized or even ostracized by others. In some cases, being true to ourselves can cost us our lives or the lives of those whom we love. On the other hand, to not be ourselves and to not actualize our dreams has another penalty: the horror letting oneself be "paralyzed by fear, fashioned by environment, petrified by routine...[or], sterilized by conformity" and permitting oneself to simply copy others instead of being and developing oneself (Tournier 1977, 55).
True guilt has sometimes been called authentic guilt or guilt which arises from your own standards rather than guilt which arises from someone else’s standards. Yet some people find themselves in situations where there is massive pressure to abandon their own beliefs and conform to others. The resulting spiritual or moral guilt is a major cause of survivor guilt, depression, and a host of other trauma-related disorders. This topic will be explored more fully in Chapter 4: Content Survivor Guilt.