GUILT OF BEING V.S. GUILT OF DOING
Guilt can arise from violating a religious taboo or not living up to a moral code espoused by one’s religion of choice, regardless of the particular religion. This type of guilt is called the guilt of doing. However some religions, for example those in the Judeo-Christian tradition, also foster another kind of guilt: the guilt of being.
The guilt of doing involves the sense that you can not live up to a certain religious or spiritual ideal because of something you did wrong or something you failed to do right. In contrast, the guilt of being refers to the sense that you can not live up to your religious and spiritual beliefs because of what you are -- a vulnerable, frail, and according to some faiths, by nature, a sinful human being.
In the Judeo-Christian tradition, the guilt of being derives from the notion of original sin. In other religions, for example, Islam, there is no parallel to the idea of original sin (Swanson 1995). While guilt of being can originate from religious ideas about the inherent sinfulness of being human, it can also arise from being the emotional scapegoat in a family or group. White supremacists make African-Americans, Asians, and other non-white people the scapegoats for their internal ills and problems in the world which they feel powerless to remake according to their own desires. Most hate-groups, regardless of who they hate, think that if they only eliminate a certain kind of person, then they will feel happy and peaceful inside and the world will be put in good order.
Hate groups blame their problems on the sheer existence of people of a different color, national origin, religion or sexual orientation. The guilt of the people who are different than one’s self is the guilt of being alive. This is the guilt of being.
For example, it doesn’t matter to a white supremacist what an African-American does or feels. He or she could be a brilliant doctor or a street thug. It’s all the same to the white supremacists because, in the extremist mind, the African-American is a criminal that needs to be punished if not obliterated because he or she exists. Of course, if the African-American commits a crime or makes a mistake or somehow fails in being a modern day saint, then that adds fuel to the fire. But it isn’t the cause of the fire.
In families, the same process of scapegoating can occur. Usually one child or family member is selected. However in some families, more than one person can be placed in the role of scapegoat. There can be so much emotional and verbal abuse of the family scapegoats, that they can easily begin to feel they should have never been born. This sense of guilt at being is even greater if those who are being emotionally scapegoated are also being physically or sexually abused.
Family scapegoat who become the objects of frequent or ongoing verbal or other forms of abuse need to develop coping strategies to survive, some of which may be dysfunctional. For example, abused persons with little support and no way out may start to drink, use drugs, overeat, lie, steal, or they have memory problems and make frequent mistakes. These behaviors then become the object of criticism by the other family members and the scapegoated person may criticize himself or herself as well. The self-criticisms and the criticisms of others lead to guilt of doing, which only reinforces the scapegoat’s fundamental feeling of guilt of being.
Another important factor in such situations is the humiliation involved in being the recipient of verbal, physical or sexual abuse. The awareness that one is being used and that others have power over one’s body, emotions, thoughts erodes the integrity, which can make one feel like a thing, not a person. This vulnerability to the verbal and other forms of attack to others can create a sense of powerlessness and worthlessness that can lead to a sense that one does not deserve to live and a feeling of guilt at simply being alive.
One woman writes: "I’ve been criticized from the day I was born. My mother told me she was ashamed to have such an ugly child. My dad wasn’t happy with me either. I felt I shouldn’t have been born and never existed. I felt guilty for being alive -- for breathing, eating, sleeping, having fun, working, anything. Even today I can feel guilty about anything I do, even going to church or doing good deeds, because I feel like I shouldn’t have been born.
"To try to steal a little peace and happiness, I lied a lot about what I did and where I went. I stole money too, to feed my addiction. Of course the family caught me lying, stealing, and drinking, which only gave them more cause to hate me and criticize me. I couldn’t argue with them because, of course, it was wrong to do those things. But even if I never told another lie and was the holiest person in the world, I would still be guilty in their eyes -- guilty for being me or for just being."
" I’ve cleaned up my act somewhat. No more drinking, stealing, lying. But I slip sometimes, and when I do, I’m scared that doing just one little wrong thing will cause my family to reject me. Then I’ll be outcast. It’s like they are all watching me, waiting for me to make a mistake. I know I’m exagerrating the feeling of being watched, but it’s also true that they look, and judge me, more than they do others. I’m not imagining that they are looking and judging. They are. And they only see the bad, not the good. I can feel the negative energy coming towards me and it destroys me. I don’t even have the energy to fight back. I shrivel up. Then that makes me feel guilty for taking up room on the world, guilty for just being alive."
This woman also suffers from content survivor guilt, which is described in Chapter .