Hi and thank you. I'm very fragile right now and I have to sit here and try to work and slap on a happy face when I really want to curl up and cry.
Last night didn't go badly but it didn't go well either. I did take the baby to the church nursery and went to my bible study class. I don't know how I got through it except that I had to listen and there was very little interaction. My friend that knows what is going on sat next to me and was a source of strength. I almost hyperventiliated when I got in the van to go pick up the baby and go home. I prayed alot and told God I did not want to go home. I just didn't but my son was there. I wanted to hide.
My husband and I did a little bit of talking but of course everything got turned around on me so we took turns acknowledging that blaming me for the woes of the world was not addressing the issues. I did explain that I was always the one left picking up the pieces and trying to salvage whatever was left of his most recent mess and that I resented that. I told him I'm not angry but maybe I am. At the very least, I'm getting bitter and I feel like he's betrayed us.
I made him get up this morning (as opposed to sleeping in and feeling sorry for himself) and help me get the baby ready for daycare. I am tired of him being able to skirt responsibility so I did the co-dependent thing and tried to make him step up. I'm not proud of that. Then I told him that I wanted him to clean out the shed today and take stuff to the dump because it was becoming increasingly obvious that he was not going to be around either because he was in rehab or out on the streets and I wanted him to help me prepare and not leave me to do everything again. Of course that made him mad.
He spoke to his "supervisor" last night. She is his substance abuse supervisor, like maybe in intern has a resident to report to. She told him that if he wanted to go to long term treatment, she would make it happen. I'm discouraged however because the conversation was only 30 minutes. I think she is beginning to realize her little protege is not God's gift to humankind and maybe has to eat some crow.
He placed mutliple calls to his substance abuse counselor (the one she assigned him after his last relapse) and the guy has not called back.
AH was telling me that because so much funding has been cut for all these programs, the only real option for him is a religious based inpatient program and he was not real hip on that. He thinks I want to get rid of him. I told him that I wanted him someplace safe where he can get healthy and reprioritize his life and if that's what it took.....
I don't know what he's going to do. We've agreed that talking right now is not the best thing and that he needs to decide how bad he wants to get clean now. I'm tired of limbo and I'm tired of not knowing from day to day what addiction is going to do to my life. I've let myself be a victim of sorts and I know I need to take control of MY life back, much like he does.
I have my card back. I will change the PIN today in case it falls into his wallet somehow.
Callie, I was scared to post. We have talked about that. Anvil blistered me. Not what I needed at that particular moment. Amy, thank you. That 10% is what gives me hope. I know its not good odds but neither is the lottery and I find myself buying a ticket here and there. Sher, I'll call you when I can. I just don't know if I can face you right now sweetie. I know your disappointed in me. You and Judy have spent so much time trying to help me get this. This time is more shameful than the other times (for some reason). Maybe because I talked the good talk and now find myself back where I was a year and half ago doing the same thing....whining and crying.