Mrs. Magoo -
I'm so sorry girl. You know, one thing that I realized is that even if AH DID or DOES get clean yet again, he's got a long road ahead of him. His financial situation is a disaster, he, needs to learn to live this life without drugs and without me doing it for him. One thing that I've learned is that although HE is not good for me as an addict, I am NOT good for him either. For me, I feel that that very unhealthy connection needs to be broken. If we can reconnect it in a healthy relationship somewhere down the line (years) than maybe we can start over or give it another go. For me, I have lived through relapse after relapse after relapse. I will not risk another one.
For me, it's not just about him getting clean. It's about living a life with respect and dignity, not sleeping all day, not being lazy, not allowing me to do all of the work, helping me with the kids etc. I've learned that he's not just starting at ground zero in our marriage after his 4th attempt at a rehab (he's been in there 23 days so far - a record for him) he's starting at ground negative one thousand. All of the lies, deception, manipulation the years and years of this has basically trashed every emotion that I have for him. I DO still care about him, I DO still want the best for him and will support him in his recovery. But he's done this to me so many times that it is NOT healthy for me to be by his side and risk yet another letdown. Like you, I've become numb. For so many years I kept thinking "he gets it this time". For so many years I was let down time and time again. It's slowly sinking in for me that you can still love or care about someone and NOT be married to him anymore.
Is your AH surrendering to YOU or is he surrendering to his recovery, knowing that he cannot do this anymore. I see your AH doing what mine did/is doing. You are his lifeline right now. He has no money, no nothing financially without you right? Since being in rehab the cloud is slowly starting to lift for AH, he's being nicer, kinder, more apologetic etc. BUT I think part of the fear for him is losing me and starting all over again with finding a job, a place to live, taking care of his bills etc. I know he does care about me, but I'm sure it's also the fact that he doesn't want to lose me because I've been the glue that has held him together for so long. I'd be there right behind him sweeping up the mess that he made.
I know the draw to give them "just one more chance" "maybe he gets it this time". But you've seen periods recently with him in sobriety. Do you like what you see? For me, I didn't. I liked it BETTER than addiction, but I still deserved more and so do my kids. PM me anytime - I'm here for you girl and proud of you for posting. I know how hard it is to do that imagining all of those "I told you so's" out in cyberspace. Hang tough.