What helped me the most - was setting a small and simple boundary...
I am going to honor MY integrity and self worth... and what I feel.
You get high.... DO NOT come home. Do NOT come home to detox.
That is a boundary I could live with. Now, IF he did come home and refused to leave... then I was prepared to call my brother, my mother and who ever else I could think of to stand by me - when I asked him to leave!
Grant it--- he pulled a fast one on me and was smoking heroin the night before we all got on the plane as a family for a visit to see his family. But then when we came home - the next day he was getting on subutex. Had he of not and kept on using - I would have had to go through with my boundary - because I do not want to enable him killing himself. I do not want addiction in the walls of my home. And the only way I can get rid of the addiction is by getting rid of the "host".
What I learned in therapy last night..... is Part A, Part B and Part C
Part A: Event
Part B: Thoughts/Feelings
Part C: Reaction/Action
When an Event happens.... it is very easy to move quickly from part b to part c. What the best thing is you can do for you..... is stay in Part B quietly and on your own thoughts / feelings. Do not enter into his world and what he is thinking and feeling. It is only going to make it harder for you. He asked you a question ... about whether or not he should go. Put that question right back to him and tell him that you don't have an answer right now because you are still in "Part B".... but he needs to be thinking of the answer to that question himself!
Hugs to you Magoo....... I know how hard it is.
Peace oxoxo