You're absolutely right, I just want to crawl out of my skin most days. Other days I want to jump out of mine and into his. You ever watch NCIS? Every now and then throughout the show Tony does or says something stupid and Gibbs will pop him upside the head. It doesn't hurt, just gets Tony to shut up and re-evaluate where he stands. I just want to do that sometimes. Just up and pop him upside the head. I want to drop to my knees every morning and BEG him not to drink today. Please, just for today do me a huge favor and don't drink. I don't want to bicker tonight or argue or fight or listen to your paranoia, the world is out to get you, boozed up self.
But yall are right--I shouldn't have to beg for serenity.
I joked with my best friend a week ago. After a long, stupid, pointless, brought on by liquor, I knew I was right all along argument with Abf, I am officially an A.S.S. (abused spouse syndrome). Not funny, but it made me feel better. I never thought I'd grow up to be an ass.
I just don't get it. He's got me rapped around his little finger and he knows it. 6 nights he's kicking and screaming and yelling and accusing and throwing things at yelling and shoving and pushing and calling me names and yelling and screaming but then there's that one night that we make it through the day without any of that and that one night makes all those other nights just go away. I forget about it all.
I just don't get it. He will be the first one to tell you he's an A. He'll be the first one to tell you that he can't go a day without the beer. He'll be the first one to admit he has a problem. His mother begged him to stop drinking before she passed a few years ago and he'll say yeah, he should have listened to her when she said it. So if he knows all this, why does he continue to drink? If he knows he has a problem, why does he ignore it? I guess life is easier to deal with and feel sorry for yourself with a buzz.
It wouldn't make everything okay or help me survive this madness, but just for once I'd give anything to hear him say "I'm sorry".