I've been trying very hard to make it clear to my niece that her mother's decisions are NOT her fault and that she cannot take responsibility for anything her mom does. I tell her so all the time. She's probably sick of hearing it but I'm not going to stop telling her!
As for this nonsense about pretending she's still in the recovery house, I told my niece she doesn't need to confront her mom about it. She can just say, "whatever," like you said, Amy! But she seems to want to talk to her about it... kind of. I'm not sure. She was bound and determined to have it out with her last night and then when the time came to make the phone call she decided she didn't want to talk to her after all. (Can't blame her for that.)
It's a hard realization for my niece to be figuring out that her mom might never get better. But I'm trying to be honest with her as gently as I can.
Alateen is a good idea, Chris, and thanks for mentioning it. I've offered it to her a couple of times and she's been reluctant. She does go to counselling, which I've made her do even though she didn't want to!
And actually, I think she's enjoying it to some degree. I'm going to keep offering Alateen... I definitely want her to understand she's not the only one.
Thanks, everyone, for the endless support... appreciated SO much as always!