Bordercollie

I wish that the terms alcoholism and codependency would have never touched my life. Or at least that is what I would like to think. In fact I feel a clarity that I have never felt in my entire life, but man is it painful and I now wish somebody could "fix" me. Now that I know what it is that has been in my life for the past 5 years, I am able to look back and really see WHY things happened the way they did. I now know that I am not crazy.

I have been reading these posts non-stop since realizing that this is what was going on in my life. I have to admit, it does get me through the day. Right now I NEED these stories and this support, but truthfully, I hope I get to the point where I don't have to check this message board to get through the day. I remember at one point in my life I was normal, happy and had my own healthy life with my own interests. I don't know what's happened to me.

I am 26 years old. My gut told me very quickly into my relationship that my boyfriend was probably not the one for me. We met very casually through mutual friends when we were 21 and out drinking in bars all the time. He blacked out, urinated places, didn't remember any of it and I "took care of him" everytime it happened. I kept thinking that with each next phase of our lives it would get better. I told myself "it will get better when we both move back into our parents for a while and get away from friends and the bar scene" "It will get better when we both move back out and have roomates again." "It will get better when we live together and can just be with eachother." "I know he is a really good person and it will get better when....." I was wrong every single time. I thought if I could just be happy with myself then maybe HE would be happy and not need or want to drink. It never got better, only worse and my self esteem was sucked away with each day that passed by.

I left the house we moved into together in October. Only now am I starting to grieve. I am overwhelmed every day with uncontrollable emotions. At first I was unable to feel, because the weekend that I decided to move out (and not just say I was going to, actually do it) a dear friend and first love was in a terrible accident also fueled by his addiction to alcohol. Because I have already lost my best friend to suicide, this friend being on life support and in a coma and not knowing if he would live or ever be the same delayed my grieving process over leaving my boyfriend.

I do believe things happen for a reason, and I believe that this friend was in this accident so that I could have this awakening, he sure hasn't. If he wouldn't have been in this accident the day I was going to leave my boyfriend, I don't know that I ever would have gone through with it, so in a way it was a gift for me. The only thing is that I never went through anger, sadness or grief over my breakup because I was at his bedside and at the rehab center with him for one month straight.

Now I am in my own apartment, something I used to dream about while I locked myself in the bathroom and cried when I lived with my boyfriend. I have it, it was my choice, I left, so why am I so terribly lonely, sad and miserable. I don't want him or that life, but I feel like a failure. I feel like I wasn't enough. I feel like he chose that lifestyle over me. He tells me that he is ready to grow up and over all of the drinking, but the problem is NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Actions are louder than words and he tells me one thing and then blacks out every weekend out at the bars.

A few weeks I decided to cut all contact, but I am struggling so much. I am so overwhelmed. I went to Al Anon for the first time this last week and I need to see my therapist again. I write in a journal and when I cry I just read the lists I have written of why he is not for me and why I should be happy I was strong enough to leave but this whole thing is so painful.

I know what I need to do, but just feel so alone and scared. If anybody has any advice I would very much appreciate it. My story is complicated and this isn't even the half of it, but I needed to get it off of my head. I generally walk around feeling like I could cry at any moment. I guess this is better than the anger and rage I carried around just a few weeks ago. I know it's a grieving process, but I just don't know how to stop feeling like it was me and I was the problem and I failed our relationship.

Thanks to anybody who gets it and is willing to take time to read this. I am quite a mess these days.