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02-13-2009, 10:16 AM

# 10 (permalink)

dothi

Member

Join Date: Sep 2008

Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.

Posts: 402

Quote:

Originally Posted by jety75

I told my sister a few days ago "just admit you and mom have created a situation for dad where you are the only ones capable of taking care of him" I wanted her to acknowledge the role of "hero" she has in the family. Instead she turned it around to say "no one else wanted to help dad so she had too."

IMO getting her to acknowledge a role is too far a step at this point. It would strip away and belittle her hard work too fast. You could have asked her, "Why is it your job? There are so many people in the world who can take care of themselves. When will it be your job to take care of you?"

I've been in your older sister's shoes, and believe me when I say the GUILT is so great that to even think of wanting something for herself will make her feel like she is betraying your parents. Your parents have worked their charm on her, and have convinced her that if she ever leaves (or even changes her role) that it will all come crashing apart AND it will ALL BE HER FAULT. How can anyone live with something like that? She still trusts your parents to give her what she deserves - whether it is fair or not. And when it's unfair, she feels too selfish to speak up about it.

I have to say, what a lovely system of self-blame in your family

If you ever chat again, help her gain perspective. Acknowledge that she does work hard to keep the family going. But help her step outside the box. Afterall, it's her job because she was oldest and was born first right? How would she feel if YOU had been born first, thus taking over her job? How would her life work? Where would she fit? What would happen to her sense of identity - which right now is firmly entrenched in, "if I do this, my parents will love me." Maybe even acknowledge that it's not fair that she has to work so hard to feel loved. Ask her what would be fair? These are all things running in her subconscious that she probably hasn't even thought about. And believe me, your sister doesn't know how to think for herself. Try asking her, if mom and dad weren't around, what would you do/want? She won't know.

As for your younger sister, I bet each time she seeks to deal with her anger she's met with denial/resistance by the rest of her family - which really limits her ability to get out. Has she ever considered counselling (under the guise of helping her anger/depression)? A good counsellor will peel away those barriers of denial and help her get to the stem of her anger problems. I feel really sorry for her. Because of your toxic mom, I'm sure she believes that she is a jealous bitch and deserves her unhappiness. Her needs as a child to simply be loved have been long twisted into convincing her that those feelings are selfish and unnecessary. No wonder she hurts so much.

Try leaving her a copy of "Toxic Parents". If she's resistant, simply ask wouldn't she try anything - even something so simple as a book - to deal with her anger?

Stop me if I'm preaching too much here. I'm not trying to suggest that YOU can absolutely bring change into your sisters' lives. But I do believe you can leave doors open for them. After that it's up to them to make the choice to take the next step.