MeHandle

Hi Alice. Lots of good comments from everybody. Here's my 2 cents:

Just because someone shares their feeling it does not mean that they line up with truth or have made a right judgement of you. People can be self deceived by their own feelings. Feelings do not govern right behavior.

To make abusive comments and call them feelings is what we would call a
"red herring ", another words to confuse the argument or mislead someone away from the actual issue.

So let's try this: "ABF Mom, I have a boundary and you have crossed it. You have abusively aimed your feelings at me 3 times. So you need to leave my house.( Or - I need to leave ABF Mom's now). My boundary is that I won't deal with it beyond 3 times in a visit. You are free to return on another day where i will happily receive your company until you cross my boundary.( Or- I will return on another day..) Oh , what was that you said ABF Mom, you say you weren't abusive. OH, but that is how I feel about how you speak to me. I feel that I will make my own decision about what is healthy to protect against your abuse no matter what you think about it." Now this all assumes that abuse was a 'right judgement' as to behavior and therefore feelings are inline with the truth that the bad behavior of abuse is being dished out.


If she were to tell you she is not ever coming back or tells you not to come back that is her choice. In anycase set a boundary you can live with and not hold resentments. If that means you never talk to her then that needs to be your boundary. You would be acting with respect for both as you will remain healthy and not hold resentments against her.

Truth and what is right stand above are feelings. If feelings become the test of ones behavior then there will be chaos. And who are we to say that an A shouldn't just keep drinken and behavin the way they are. Hey , it is just how they feel. It is "know the truth and the truth will set you free" ( found in the bible) not " feel the truth and the feeling will set you free."

"Treat others how you want to be treated."( found in the bible) This is the heart of respect. So I speak to others the way i would want to be spoken to , and this includes confronting them if they have bad behavior because if I was being a jerk I hope someone would have enough respect for me to confront my bad behavior. However, the other respect option is that I respect their right to receive their consequences of abusive behavior, like me wanting nothing to do with them and feeling good about that decision because I know the truth of the situation and I acted on that truth.

So my personal experience is when I know the truth the truth sets me free. I feel at peace with the pleasant decisions and the unpleasant one.

love tammy

"Love does not rejoice in evil but rejoices with the truth."( found in the bible)