ItsmeAlice

I have a question about where to draw the line on the focus I place on myself and putting aside the feelings of others (since I cannot control them).

Everyday I have goals that I set for myself for the day and one of them is let others be responsible for their own emotions and opinions because I am not responsible for how they feel about themselves or what they think of me.

This makes me think of my ABF's mother who has bipolar issues and troubles with alcohol and sought many years of therapy for them. She has said rather hurtful things to me, to ABF, and to other people when she has visited us or when we've visited her. When she is asked why she would say such things, or what would make her say that out loud, she will counter that she learned long ago in therapy not to care what people thought about her and to speak her mind.

She was talking once and was hurting my feelings greatly with comments direct towards me. When I asked her to please stop because it was hurtful, she responded that it was okay if I didn't like her for her opinions because she doesn't care what people think of her anymore. What?? I left the room, in my own home, because I couldn't reason that one out for the life of me. I still don't know what to think of it.

I have always been a bit angered with how people can think being honest and candid allows you to be rude or hurtful to others.

So I find myself stopping short when I remind myself that other people hold opinions of me that are none of my business because I can't seem to justify that being true. If I have hurt someone I love by my words or actions, I owe them an apology, but if I turn a blind eye to their feelings towards me as ABF's mother does, how would I know I hurt them in the first place.

Does anyone have any insight on this?

Alice