I am not frightened about being single. I have been single most of my life. We met and married when I was 30/31 and I am 37 now. I actually was in the best shape of my life physically, emotionally and spiritually (after therapy for a dysfunctional childhood!) when we met. I was 40 pounds lighter, full of energy despite my RA, and content with what I had accomplished and felt confident about my abilities. He took all of the things he admired about me (I managed to get a BSN as a single parent to a 2 y/o with no help, I owned a home, my car was paid for, I was attractive and felt good about myself), and three years after we married he tried to squash every one of those things and nearly drove me to kill myself. I lost much of my confidence and self-esteem and in January of 2008 I decided to take those things back. This has been a year-long process because after Christmas of 2007 I gave up. I look back at my posts here and I don't know how he can say that I decided to give up on the marriage just two months ago. He did not listen to me.
His mother has some sick need to care for two grown sons. She put up with her husband doing it and now both of her sons. She knows from Al-Anon what to do but she won't put them on the streets.
Oh well, I need to work on my "Cruel and Inhuman Treatment" paragraphs so I can expedite this before he needs me to pay for a lawyer for a crime he commits.
Part of me is sad that it turned out this way but I don't regret marrying him. He gave me some of the best memories of my life, and some of the hardest lessons. Had I not loved him, I would have made him leave after he relapsed the second time in March of 2006.
I am glad I only spent two years trying to help him and fix the marriage and not 20. About the only thing I did wrong in the marriage was love him more than I loved myself after he relapsed. However, I always loved my daughter more than him and I was not going to choose between him and sanity.
Thanks for letting me vent.