Originally Posted by
*Ceridwen 
I can see that I'm being manipulated, I can see him cycling through behaviours and words until I get hooked, when indignant didn't cut it, and angry gets me out of the door he switches between silent and pensive and contrite and depressed and crying and....
... and I bloody play UGHHHH.
this crappy relationship is like a bloody drug to me, I had a physical pain/almost to the point of a *high* at the thought of "leaving him and hurting him" on saturday even though I *know* he has the option of changing ALL of this and has had for YEARS.
Gentle hugs to you, Ceridwen.
I know exactly what you're talking about (especially the *high* at the thought of leaving - I get this weird rush of chemicals when I think about it).
I really do think that my STBXAH's dream life would be one in which he is able to do exactly as he wants, exactly when he wants, for just as long as he wants (sounds pretty good to me, too!). But, if he can't get that life, then he wants DRAMA.
He wants a reaction - I think that he uses my reaction (shock, outrage, sadness, love) to justify his behavior to himself. Maybe guilt will do it, maybe pity, maybe anger, maybe desperation. He tries one and just works through the list until I break down and engage in the madness. I'm getting better at leaving before the madness sets in, but I'm not perfect. It is hard to deal with the twisted logic.
Take care. Deep breaths.
Here's a BIG CHHEER for you!! I know you can do it!
-TC