JenT1968

This is going to be long and rambling, a lot of it I'm writing for my OWN benefit so that I can see the REALITY of the situation.

Soooo, I have been planning to pay off my debts whilst getting councelling etc and then leave AH if he hadn't "found the light" knowing that the chance of that was pretty much subzero. I expected this to take a year (to pay off my debts).

last wednesday AH went out with work colleagues came back blasted in the small hours, bringing some bloke with him, woke me from sleep was incoherent and abusive. The random man, who neither I nor my children know, got into my son's bed, my son was IN THE BED, he's 5.

My son came through to me visibly upset, (I've very gently talked to him about this and nothing more serious that this appears to have happened but the man got into bed, squashed him out and laughed)

I've apologised to my son told him that it was completely wrong of the man to do that, and promised that the man will never come back to our house again (he won't because I'll call the police, I'm still not sure if I shouldn't now)I got all 3 of us out of there with a very hastily packed emergency bag. Came back later, man has gone, informed AH of what happened: he was also shocked. I didn't leave then or throw AH out, but that night I put into place plans to seperate in 10 weeks time.

I wrote the plans in my diary, which I only use as a crisis tool to be honest, and I hide it because I know AH would read it, he reads my texts on occaison, he opened and hid one of my birthday cards, he reads my emails and internet history (we both do the latter, we have zero trust in each other).

He found it, read it and is swinging between horror and sorrow, struggling with righteous indignation (because of "the way he found out" ROFL: he is annoyed because he had to find out about my plans, a whole 12 hours after I made them, by reading my diary without my permission) and trying his best to be a good husband/father/wanting me to stay.

He is drinking, he has cut down and is hiding it more, but it is still at levels that would count as binge drinking every day, and it is still within 2 hours of him waking.

the next bit is so incidental that I've yet to think about it much: it is drowned by his other behaviour, but HE has been foccussing on it since reading my diary. I found that he has been looking at local sites where apparently "local" women load pornographic footage of themselves. I have no particular problem with soft porn, although I am uncomfortable with the frequency of his usage, but this site knew his location.... I listed this in my diary as one of the many reasons to leave. and this is the only one he has so far talked about, again full of indignation because he has "never been unfaithful... RIGHT? RIGHT?"

how dare I?? apparently the website must have worked out his location from the IP address.

I can see that I'm being manipulated, I can see him cycling through behaviours and words until I get hooked, when indignant didn't cut it, and angry gets me out of the door he switches between silent and pensive and contrite and depressed and crying and....

... and I bloody play UGHHHH.

this crappy relationship is like a bloody drug to me, I had a physical pain/almost to the point of a *high* at the thought of "leaving him and hurting him" on saturday even though I *know* he has the option of changing ALL of this and has had for YEARS.

I was overwhelmed with this sick feeling for a good half hour before I realised that at that point he hadn't even got to the begging me to stay bit of the game, he was still stuck in indignant/not able to talk about it. So I was feeling sick with the thought of hurting someone who might turn round and say "fair enough, off you go then".

I think I get such a rush of chemicals flooding out of my brain with intense feelings that I am getting high on them (its not the same as when I used to take party drugs when I was at college, but it is intense and I feel in shock/floating afterwards with the back-wash of them)

I don't want to go through this cycle again, I feel like I shrink every time that I do. but on the other hand, I can see that I may be attracted subconciously to staying in it to keep me self-inducing highs from the intese emotions: the pain, being begged to stay.

I've costed it, the kids and I would be broke, but not destitute and it would take me 40 years of minimum payments to clear my credit cards, I will never own a house, but I like my own company, I feel happy at the thought of living on my own with the children, excited about it.

but I am terrified of time until we can be apart, afraid that I will cave both because I'm scared and because I'm getting stuff that I obviously want on some level from the drama.

so please: I'm a big girl, I really would appreciate some plain talking to bolster me.

I know that in the end I have to do this on my own, but I'd appreciate any help you can give me.