hopeful,
You've posted on this topic before, but I don't remember if you're in counseling? Seems like you are, if I remember right, and so this is a terrific question that it seems your therapist should be working through with you: why you still think the painful life you've experienced with him is all you deserve? Why do you allow yourself to do these obsessive things (like watch for his car) rather than stopping yourself? Isn't it a little like an alcoholic's drinking -- they do it because it makes them feel human and right, even though it's terrible for them? Just as we hold them responsible for not saying "NO" to the bottle, we also are responsible for our own addictions, and the damage they do in OUR lives.
Hope you can help yourself --
