Hi jety,
I'm so glad you found us. I remember the first time I started to work with my adult child issues and met others in the same soup.....I thought I would cry, I was so relieved.
I know these were probably rhetorical questions but I thought I'd tell you my feelings on the matter, in case it might help:
I am tired of pretending it "wasn't that bad" or hearing "it could have been worse." I recognize that I can't change the past but does that mean I am suppose to bury it to be happy? What if I don't want to anymore? What is wrong with accepting that your past influences your present and future decisions? I am not sure where I go from here. I guess this is where you all come in. I am not alone anymore.
It WAS that bad, for you. That is your truth, your reality, and you don't have to listen to any of the denial any more.
You are not supposed to bury the past...you've already TRIED that and you know it doesn't work. You are supposed to do exactly what you're doing: bring it all out into the bright light where it can't fester inside you any more. Piece by piece, you can examine it, figure out what hurts, and deal with it.
There is nothing at all wrong with accepting that your past influences your present and future decisions. That's the truth. YOU understand this. But your family is not ready to take this step yet. That cannot matter. You can't wait for them to catch up, or to "get it." You've got to move out into new territory yourself. It seems like you're waiting for your mom or your sister to catch up with you before you take the next step into healing......and I'm suggesting you may have to let them be whatever they are going to be, and move forward into a better life yourself.
It is hard hard hard to stop expecting them to understand. To stop expecting them to validate your pain, to apologize, to try to make you feel better. To stop wasting your energy trying to get them to see the light. I had a desire, for a long time, to hold up specific events and abuses and say "Look!! Look at this!! See what you did to me!! Why can't you admit it???" And I did.
But strangely, that never made me feel any better. They wouldn't, and if they did, it was just to shut me up. They didn't share my reality.
I realized too that I was hanging on to these events and abuses really tightly. They were so much a part of my identity, like a badge of honor: I have suffered, therefore I am. When I met people who had gotten past their childhoods and gone on to happy, mentally healthy lives, I was either contemptuous, disbelieving, or jealous as hell -- I didn't think I could ever get there. I didn't know if I WANTED to. Let go? How could I?
You are not alone. You have the services of therapists & counselors at your service, you have things like local meetings for ACOAs, Sober Recovery here, books about the issues of adult children and how to work through them, and so much else. You have people like Martha Beck and Barbara Sher and others who guide people to find stronger, more joyous lives. There's so much out there that we can shape into an Arsenal of Healing.
You may just need to decide that you want to be a thriving, strong adult no matter what anyone else has or hasn't atoned for, apologized for, or admitted. It's like packing your bag and going on your first trip to the other side of the globe...alone.
When I took that frightening step, it opened up a whole new world for me -- and I still sometimes have trouble believing how good things are, and can still be. My family is still in its dark hole of denial, and I send them my prayers and loving thoughts, but I can't go down there with them any more.
Hugs to you -- glad you joined us!!! :ghug3