lots of great advice - thank you all. I am going to make an appointment for a counselor tomorrow. Today was a turning point for me. I am trying to do what I can to help myself and my son, because as hard as I try, he doesn't want help. Actually, sometimes he says he does. But actions speak louder than words. When he was in jail for 30 days, he wrote me all these letters that he wanted to change, that family is most important, he will never drink and drive again. (yeah, because I now keep the car keys hidden). I truly believe that he meant it all - at the time. He is going to counseling because his lawyer told him to - but he lies to the counselor. He told him he has not drank for months. (LIE). He had been a binge drinker mostly, but there were periods of time over the last year, when he drinks more than i know at the time, and more frequently than he normally would. Basically, his life has spun out of his control over the last year, he got fired from a job and now the ouil or whatever it is - it's the one step up from dui. i understand that he is scared about what is going to happen to him. while he is in jail, his heart will ache every day for our son who he loves dearly. but he refuses to talk about any of it even though I feel i really need to. he does not understand that I spend every minute of every day worrying about the endless problems that he has brought on our family. he did something really stupid today and i called him out on in and now he is pissed at me - i think because he knows i am right.
am i wrong in believing that i should be here for him because he is kind of halfway trying to get better, and i know if i left, he would be worse than he is now. all i want is for us to live together as a happy family. is that so much to ask?
okay, that's enough. i definitely rambled.