Today was the roughest day since I quit, I think. I wrote that my sense of timing was off and I did not immediately put it together. I was grinding my teeth really badly today, my neck and jaw are sore from it, and yesterday I was scratching my scalp, almost until it bled and I have not been able to sleep well. I've had the taste of methamphetamine in my mouth for a couple days. I felt a bit confused and out-of-sorts. In a nutshell, I felt EXACTLY like I did when I was on meth, but I HAVE NOT TOUCHED THE DRUG IN A MONTH. I had a sort of fake hangover a week ago or so, where I felt like I had been drinking the night before but I had not been. I just kept thinking how sad it would be to make it a month and stop on my one-month "anniversary." This evening I got in a huge fight and bf won't take my calls at the moment. This is sort of standard for him until he calms down but it really stressed me out. I thought I was doing well enough to handle that sort of thing but I guess I am not yet because it made me want some drugs.
I called a friend and she came into town around 10:00 pm-- she lives 20 miles out-- and we bought some chocolate and went for a drive in the country. We found a steep hill on a straight road, the kind where when you start down the hill you get that feeling in your stomach like you're on a roller coaster. It was about midnight. We took her car up to 80 mph and did that hill about 4 times, the passenger closing her eyes as we approached the hill. Then we'd switch drivers and repeat. A bit reckless, perhaps. Next we found a cattle trail that had been messed up from washouts and some oil rigs driving on it and tried our level best to break an axle. Luckily it did not work out, and we had a good time. I still kind of feel like I'd like to do some drugs but now the feeling is not as strong as it was and I am too exhausted to take the trouble to find it. So for the time being I am out of the woods, again. That was rough though, I felt like I was going to at least drink, maybe do something else tonight. When my friend dropped me off around 1:30 am I told her thanks. She said "I know how you were acting earlier and it scared me. I've only seen you like that on meth but I had been around you all day and know you did not take any drugs. I was worried your addiction was about to take over and when you called I knew the stress would be too much. I had to come in to town, because you can't go back on drugs." She saw it when I could not.