There is a reason. We travel a path specific to us as individuals. Each step brings us closer to some end. In many cases the path prepares us in unique ways to help others. I can directly relate to your story. I am 52 yrs old and have been sober for 2 yrs, 1 month, and 29 days. This is the longest I have been sober since I was 8 yrs old. I found out very early in life that I could escape feelings by putting something into my body. Throughout my life there have been only brief periods of dry time, not sober time. I have have been married twice. I have two degrees and almost had a masters before my using caught up with me. I have had good jobs, friends, and no children. For me, the prospect of having children was a non-issue. I was keenly aware of what my childhood was like and was not going to subject a child to me. I knew what I was capable of and was unwilling to be responsible enough to change, simply wasn't ready to do it. There were a lot of people who suffered as a result of my behaviors, not to mention myself. I would not let go of the idea "I" could handle it on my own. Yes, I have been in four rehabs and a psychiatric unit. I have attempted suicide five times, the last being a 7" kitchen knife in my abdomen (missed my aorta by a millimeter). There was so much self-hatred and rage directed towards myself, I thought it was all there was. I thought I would be condemned to repeat the cycle over and over again, always with the same result.....trying to kill myself. I finally found myself in a place where "it" happened. I had returned to a treatment center where I had been two months before, I wouldn't try the last time because I had to get into a relationship. It nearly happened again, only this time she was not allowed to stay. At that moment I surrendered, I let go of everything because up to that point in my life nothing had worked. My whole life has changed....I do see that my past has made me uniquely qualified to help others. Take for example, you. There are not many of us trying to get, and stay, sober at our age(s). Maybe you are supposed to help others like you, let them know life is, in fact, worth living, that it can be a blast. I work for the treatment center where I got sober, have been for two years. So many wonderful things have taken place, all as a result of letting go and trying to do the next right thing....There is a tremendous amount of fulfillment in doing it, life has taken on dimensions I could not have dreamed of. Sure there are days which suck, they are painful, but, you know what? To feel and not use, to know it is not an option and you are living life on life's terms is terrific. Try to get past the self-pity, move into the world of sober living and attempt to give back without expectation of anything in return......There is so much freedom in it.....Yes, I understand how old I am, and there is probably not a great deal of time left, and it's okay. All we have is today. The past is just that, the past. We can either use it to good end or as an excuse to give up and not try. I had enough of not trying, of using whatever excuse I could to justify/rationalize getting loaded. To use whatever time is left to good purpose is my way of somehow restoring that set of scales in the direction of giving and not taking, just changing it in some positive direction is enough for today.....maybe by the end it will be in balance..................All I have is today, and so do you...........We are all here for you, you will be in our prayers and good wishes...............:ghug