two things I know are true
1 - He doesn't deserve me.
2 - I don't deserve this.
I'm not getting a big head, I'm just tired of it all. He wants to be a drunk in denial and I'm so tired of living this way. Working again, still, on living for myself. Keeping the faith, but I hate how much reality it's grounded in.
He's not physically abusive, he's not verbally abuse as in yelling and calling names, but the little put downs, the know-it-all attitude, the lack of love and caring, the complete lack of being there for me really weigh me down.
I've had my emotional breakdown for the day and am done crying. Thankfully this isn't daily, but the weekly/monthly stuff is still too often to suit me. I've been eating well, taking care of what I can, taking steps forward for the future, whether that's with him or not, whether he's alive or dies young like he thinks will happen. He drinks all day, every day, and always "hides" it. Evenings are for a few drinks in the open along with the hidden drinking. Functional drunk, though it's getting to the point that some days are less so than others. Just when things seem to be really terrible he supposedly straightens up for while. I learned a long time ago that those aren't dry periods, just not hitting the booze "quite" so hard and heavy. His dad died young of a heart attack, just one year after sobering up. Maybe he's too afraid to sober up and face life as it is, maybe he's afraid after he sobers up is when he'll die? It doesn't really matter, just leaving all that in God's hands. I know it's not my job or responsibility to change him, all I can do is be there for him even if that means stepping away emotionally some days to take better care of me.
I haven't been getting nearly enough exercise the past couple of years, dealing with postpartum/situational depression, but I've been healing and getting better. We have great teenagers, a wonderful toddler and overall a good life. They don't deserve this either.
I have a Slim in Six (beachbody.com) set that I've been meaning to start again for ages. Whatever life brings me, I do need to be healthy and fit to deal with it -- or better yet, to actually enjoy it. Instead of more excuses or delays, I'm starting back with that today. I really need to get in shape, but I also need the exercise, including walks outside, to deal with the depression.
Going skiing tomorrow with one of the teens and the toddler. I'll probably hurt like crazy later, but it'll be a good hurt.
~ faith