LaDita,
In an ideal world, forgiveness would lead to remorse from the forgiven, and the remorseful would always receive forgiveness.
We don't live there.
Alcohol is a high octane fuel for denial. We can't expect to be forgiven nor can we expect remorse when we do forgive.
Forgiving and asking for forgiveness are an acts of opening a door - a door to freedom for both. Once you ask for or give forgiveness, you walk through that door to freedom from anger and guilt. The other person can choose to walk through or not - that is their decision.
Lewis Smedes wrote an excellent book (The Art of Forgiving: When You Need to Forgive and Don’t Know How 1996) on forgiving that I read a few years back. Regarding reciprocity in forgiveness, he says:
Six good reasons for forgiving people who wounded us even
though they do not seem to care-six reasons to forgive people
who never say they are sorry:
1. Forgiving is something good we do for ourselves; we should not
have to wait for permission from the person who did something bad
to us.
2. When we forgive someone who does not say he’s sorry, we are not
issuing him a welcome back to the relationship we had before; if he
wants to come back he must come in sorrow.
3. To give forgiveness requires nothing but a desire to be free of our
resentment. To receive forgiveness requires sorrow for what we did
to give someone reason to be resentful.
4. We cannot expect to be forgiven without sorrow for the wrong we
did. We should not demand sorrow for the wrong someone did to
us.
5. Repentance does not earn the right to forgiveness; it only prepares
us to receive the gift.
6. A wounded person should not put her future happiness in the hands
of the person who made her miserable.
You could write a letter to your mother and leave it up to her to read it, or you could semi-casually mention that you are reading about forgiveness (Smedes, the bible, the koran, whatever) and keep bringing it up. Just a suggestion.
Forgiving (yourself and your mom) is an act of empowerment. It is something you can control. Not forgiving or not showing remorse is an act of giving power away to someone else.