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01-23-2009, 08:14 AM

# 3 (permalink)

dothi

Member

Join Date: Sep 2008

Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.

Posts: 402

Hey LaDita. Your mom's story sounds like a terrible one to live, and it sounds like she was very isolated from learning healthy life skills. Two thoughts jump at me when reading your post.

(1) Remember it is not your place to apologize for your mom's childhood; you didn't make it terrible for her. And based on how you've described your mom, she has not dealt with her pain at all (does she have the strength to put it into perspective? or does she avoid even talking about it all the time? "past is in the past" - that kind of attitude). I think you deserve to have this conversation, but starting out with an apology might increase her hostility and resistance to hearing what you have to say. You'll focus her on her pain, and then try switch her back to yours. Just my two cents on that.

(2) I understand the driving need to feel validated by a parent who has done their child genuine wrong. But be prepared to be let down. Your mother has been incapable of recognizing your needs for the majority of your life; she might not be any closer to recognizing them now (whether thru avoidance or denial). Use this conversation as an opportunity to put your side on the table, and try to leave it there with her. If you don't get closure from her, at least accomplishment that. Leave a little of this load behind knowing you did everything you could to save your relationship with your mother before needing to distance from this source of toxic feelings. Come back and tell us how it goes. Know this right now: no one here will tell you it's your fault if it doesn't go well.

(3)