Smoke,
Well, the day ended more hopeful than I thought it would. I went to an Alanon meeting and found it incredibly helpful. I felt like I was looking in a mirror and hearing myself talk. We talked about the recovery process. I believe my boyfriend was trying to hurt me back, and when I hit him with the realities of business to discuss, the bills, our possessions, etc. he waffled on moving out. I also think he's confused and can't cope with the reality of us going through several financial distress right now. I've decided to go ahead and file bankruptcy, because I simply can't pay rent, bills with my consolidated loan. That way, if he flakes and does walk out on me, I will be set up to take care of myself much better. I hope that I will have time to set up some savings for myself for just such an emergency and won't feel so helpless if he should leave. I've also decided to detach even more and realize that he may not be able to love me, he just may not have it in him right now. He hasn't been sober for so long, I don't think he knows who he is anymore, so how can he have a real relationship. I've decided it's out of my hands and I'm turning it over to my Higher Power. It always sounded trite to me, but it's comforting now. Since I love to try to fix things, I now believe that I have the tools to begin to fix myself. My boyfriend also said something like "I believe this had to happen" as if he wanted to "scare me straight" or something like that. He knows I have been very dysfunctional and unhappy. While I think his methods were cruel and confusing, I do believe that I can handle things a lot better now. Does that seem strange? I hope you don't tell me I'm in denial here. I just don't have any other choice but to let go and go to meetings and accept whatever happens. Have I gone temporarily insane?? Well, I don't think so. Thanks for listening and coming with me on this roller coaster ride! Dang!