Hi again, Mindybadger!
In general, I hate psychobabble. I define that as people throwing around psychological terms that they don't understand and are unqualified to use. However, I am going to indulge.
In some recovery disciplines, the terms "lapse" and "relapse" are used to define the difference between a temporary backslide, and a full scale return to the former habit. We are cautioned to observe and delay judgement, until we see how far the behavior actually goes. I am certainly guilty of the fast fury that you felt last night. It seems like they're just not trying. But try to reflect.
I am an ex-smoker. When I was quitting, I lapsed. That's a nice way of saying, I cheated. I still eventually was able to stop entirely. Perhaps you have never smoked, but have you ever been on a diet and just been unable to resist a yummy peice of chocolate cake? That one peice of pastry did not negate your total progress... unless you progressed on to pies, cookies and indicriminate pizzas afterward.
IT'S WONDERFUL that your boyfriend has a list of sober friends to call on! They are for just such occasions as these... to help make sure that a craving or lapse does not result in a full scale relapse. Let your anger out HERE. This lapse could be just a part of HIS normal recovery process. Don't give him your rage to use as an excuse for continuing to drink. Most of us aren't given Saint Recoverii Spontanimous to all hail. I'm not saying to look the other way. I don't say you should condone what he did.. I say, you might keep looking and see what developes before you pack it all in.
BUT! only you know when the situation becomes impossible for you.
Smoke