Feel Like All is Lost
Hello Everyone; I'm new to this website. I must say that I'm very impressed with it.I feel very disheartened tonight. My husband had gone through a 28-day treatment center last summer. He had a slip in December and has been going down hill ever since. I have been going to Alanon for 5 years, and I also have a lot of friends who are alcaholic so I wasn't surprised that he had a slip. I have been trying very hard to concentrate on myself for I am the only one I can change.(Why is that so easy to say but so hard to do) Anyways, last week I found a receipt for a credit card my husband has gotten without my knowledge. He has charged over 5,000 dollars in a very short amount of time and believe me we aren't that rich. I have really tried hard to leave his recovery to himself and just gotten on with my own, but look what has happened. I finally decided that I had to do something to protect myself and the children because if he doesn't stop drinking and gambling we are going to loose everything. I told him he had one week to decide what he was going to do with his life and tonight was the night he had to tell me what his decision was. He told me he feels terrible for what he has done and does not think it is right. He also tells me that he really doesn't want to quit drinking. He wants to be able to drink sociably and that under no circumstances will he go out without me or stop on his own to get beer. He has surrendered the credit card to me and says that this is the route that he is going to take for now.He is a wonderful husband and father when he is sober and now that I have had a 4 month taste of what our lives could be like when he was sober I don't want to call it quits. I can't understand why he trys to quit, goes to meetings, councellers, information groups about relaps and recovery,and then tells me he really wants to try and drink sociably. Has he not been learning anything. I feel like the last year has had no impact on him and I'm confused and hurt and angry and embarrased. I just feel like I am at the end of my rope and I just don't know how much more I can take. Its so hard to try and keep it together especially when I have small children. I'm sick of feeling fear when I think of the future...I know that I'm suppose to live one day at a time...but some times I just get tired of it...i want to just be able to think of the future with certainty and happiness. I'm so sad with what he told me tonight...and I'm shocked to say the least...and now I don't know what to do. Should I be happy that he gave me the credit card and let it ride or should I say its all or nothing....I just don't know anymore...I can't seem to find the answer within myself.. Thanks for listening....Teresa