scared of the future
OK, quick update for those who don't know who I am: married for 10 years to AH, two sons (8 and 3 years old) and separated from him for over a year. I moved out of the house with the kiddos, because he didn't want to go anywhere when I raised the separation issue. He has been living in this huge empty house of ours, while I rent a much smaller home for the 3 of us but that's fine with me.
He is coming out of a 12 days rehab/detox facility today and he is going to his place (he had this plan to come and live at my place but I kept strong in my opinion that this wan't a good idea and I am glad I did so).
So now, I am still in a limbo state, not knowing what to do with my life in the long term. And as much as I try not to dwell on this and live day to day, that pi$$es me off big time.
I am just so tired of juggling the kids (one in school, another one in day care) and my job which is so intellectually demanding, on top of the ever so regular crisis to deal with AH. Since my family lives 10,000 miles from me, I have virtually no support here. Only one great friend (bless her) who is a constant in my life. And I keep thinking how my life sucks, and how in the world did I end up in this situation? Why in the world, did I choose to move on the other side of the world to live with AH????
I come to the conclusion that I must have been really really messed up to do this and I feel tremendous guilt about it.
I don't know, I am just so plain tired of this stupid life I live. How did I end up here? How do I make it better?
Sorry for the vent.... I am really aware that I am having a pity party right now but I can't help feeling so desperately frustrated about it all... And so deperately lonely too....
If only I could go home to my birth country, be surrounded by friends and family who care about me and provide support....